In the beginning I thought this could be something. Things felt fine, things felt almost unique actually. I came to familiarize myself with the surroundings, I felt almost happy being tired and exhausted and having things to do, because at the end of the day I could expect something and that something would materialize right before my eyes. I felt encouraged, I felt that things could finally be different for once. Compared to the multiple, multiple times that I was disappointed, that doors were slammed in my face, this one seemed inviting, seemed warm and seemed like everything would be okay once I stepped through.
Things improved, and then I guess things deproved. Thing stayed distant for a while, and the cycle repeated itself. I found myself wondering once more. What have I gotten myself into? But still, at the end of the day, I know I would be reassured because it was like hoping for something to come, crying that it didn;t, but eventually being surprised and contented once again because that something would still materialize in front of me. I felt emboldened, even. I looked forward and I worked even harder to convince myself that something could finally be true.
But now I wonder, without hope. I told myself to leave all this behind, but yet I find myself not being able to do so. I make multiple wishes, they are all the same. In my head the words sound different, but essentially they point back towards the fact that I have been feeling a certain way for a long time. And I don't like how this is going but maybe this is for the best. Maybe everyone is just destined to stick to their own little corridors, and corridors that are parallel and familiar don't always cross into each other. Maybe this was wrong all along andi t was just wishful thinking. I dread typing this into words because it means I have to wake up from reality soon, but I try to placate myself because hey its okay, nothing ever really materialized anyway. Its just like waking up from another too-nice dream and moving forward. But I know one thing is for sure, when I dig down inside my heart and my feelings and my emotions, I know that something is still there. I can't say the same for you, maybe it was nothingness all along. But it was a source of strength, motivation and I know it still is. I don't know for how long, but I'm glad just for this fact. Even though I am devastated, I am still glad. I don't make sense, but it seems like I do somehow.
Sometimes, maybe no structure and no expectations is good. But this time, I had to learn the hard way. Again. Goodbye.
