Moonlit nights

On nights like these when the moon is bright, the mind cant help but think just a tad bit more. I took a nap, I woke up, it was 11pm. Thoughts travel back to when I was in school. How things have changed. When I fall asleep early now, I remember how when I was still in school, at this timing I would not even be home. Still travelling on the highway, tired but content with life and just being able to find a seat on the bus lugging my heavy laptop and files of notes would make me more than happy. Yes I had little rest, but I was okay with that. Fast forward to now, sleeping times have increased because even though I do not have a content heavy workload like I did in school, I feel tired all the time.. sometimes I stop and ask myself, what am I doing all this for? Wheres the meaning? I am so afraid one day I will lose sight of this goal, and I really dont want that to ever happen. Nights like these I just want to be transported back to the past, even if its for awhile. Just to live in the moment and maybe feel what I used to feel again. That I had something to look forward to and live for. Its becoming much harder these few days, honestly. But then the world stops for nobody, and if there is a possibility that I can turn back time, who will be there in the past, waiting to re-live those moments again together with me? Perhaps nobody, because everybody has moved on.

Havent drafted a post like this in a long time. I'll admit, doing this once in a while feels so good, probably I need to return here more often. Goodnight world and goodnight blog for being a constant familiarity, something I really need now.

To be great,

Started the first day of Term 2 on a serious, somber note this morning. As a school, we watched the live telecast of Lee Hsien Loong as he addressed the nation on the demise of the late PM Lee. He talked about his father three times, in Malay, Chinese and English. And each time, his eyes grew redder and more teary. It was a heartbreaking sight to watch, really.

As I scroll through social media and everybody is posting RIP tributes and recounts and memories and condolences, I will also take a moment out of my schedule to reflect too. It wasn't so long ago that I read an article online on all the mistakes that the government has made, how we as a nation have failed in searching for progress. I could tolerate the article, there was at least some practical sense to it, constructive criticism? What I could not tolerate were the comments that followed. Made by hundreds of people and seen by hundreds of thousands around the world. Comments made by ordinary people whose raw intentions were to hurt and fan flames to ignite an even bigger fire. It is so, so easy to just type something and share it with others at the press of a button. but maybe it is too easy. It has made people type before thinking, and what results is irrational and totally insensitive comments. Why? Why do we set out to hurt the people around us, and even more so, those we don't even know?

Being a history student for more than a decade, I have sat through class after class of Singapore's history, Singapore's founding figures, Singapore's achievements, Singapore's road to success, Singapore's struggle and hardships. I have also been exposed to classes that look at a Singapore history that can be counted an alternative to the mainstream version; How leaders fail, how leaders may be greedy and make unwise decisions, how leaders have lost crucial support from the masses, how leaders are not altruistic. And more than once, I have been swayed towards these various perspectives, being quick to point fingers and criticize and complain. So much so that I fail to realize that we as a nation have been so fortunate and are so well-off. Yes, leaders have the responsibility of making a good first impression, so they have an added burden to carry themselves well. But when is the line between 'well' and 'perfect' drawn? Leaders, at the end of the day, no matter how great and influential, are still humans. And like all humans, leaders have feelings, leaders have emotions.
When have we gone too far with the name-calling and curses and complaints? Nobody is perfect, but that does not give us any right to discredit peoples' efforts to build up a country. Something that PM Lee Kuan Yew has done throughout most of his life.

For having faith to step out of his comfort zone even though his successful future was guaranteed, for fighting hard when others would rather not be involved, for sticking with unpopular but necessary decisions not caring about what nasty things people said behind his back, for not being perfect but still willing to try till the very end, thank you. Singapore is really a better nation because of your hard work.

Lighthouse Dreams

Been long since I sat down and watched a movie from start to end. Finally managed to do so yesterday with my littlest brother, and had a whale of a time. We watched an animation film called Song of the Sea, and absolutely loved it. All I have been watching recently is bitchy dramas full of over-emphasized situations and emotions, land this felt like a good break away from all of that. Originally a tale that came from a folk legend, illustrated through colourful drawings and enthralling songs, and a touching ending. Simple children's film, but it tugged at the heartstrings. Still feeling snuggly after watching the movie.

Plus point, seals were too adorable throughout the movie. Pretty creatures. 

Spark

In a day that was horrid and left me tired, hungry and hopeless, I remember this conversation that occurred between me and the kids today. 

"So all of you please remember to go find your sources over the March holidays okay? You all can find from online...blah blah... or you can go museum and look around, free one"

"Cher, we go as a class can, all of us go together, save time."

"You all can choose to go as a class, individually, anything. Just remember to find the sources by first week of Term 2."

"But Cher, if we all go together, you must go along and accompany us leh!"

"Why should I, you all so big already, don't tell me you don't know the way there pls. See how, if got time then I go with you all."

This boy, who always talks nonsense in my class "But Cher, it's only considered a class outing if you are with us. You not there, something is missing from our class. You there, then our class is complete ma."

And they continue justifying why I should go along with all of them. 

Probably the best thing that I remember from today. Thank you kids <3

Simplicity at its best.

It's been a while.

Life has been more hectic week after week. Just had possibly the worst week in my working life, but I have come to realize that when the worst happens, so does it get easier to identify the simple but best moments as well. I started the week off on a bad note because weekend marking was a rush and I was in a grumpy mood. All that was on my mind were deadlines, deadlines and more deadlines that I had to meet. No time, no time, no time, I thought to myself as I tried to envision how my week would turn out. Bad, horrible, terrible. When midweek came, I tried something new. I remember someone told me to look at things with positivity, not with negativity. So I tried to focus on the good things, even though I was tired and still grumpy.

Slowly I began to notice the small things.

My students whom I once labelled as 'troublesome' and 'difficult to handle' were manageable. They were the class that brought me much laughter even though I had so much on my mind. They surprised me by not only passing, but excelling in their tests as a class in general, and that was something I didn't expect. I promised a student a few weeks ago that if he scored an A1 (distinction), I would give him a hi five. And when I did, he couldn't stop smiling. That touched my heart so greatly, because while I initially chose to be bitter and focus on ambitious targets that I wanted for the class, what the kids wanted from me as a teacher was so simple, so innocent that it was easy for me to just brush it off and overlook. And when I saw how the students brightened up when I told them how proud I was of them, and I was happy that they did well, inside I felt quite ashamed. Is this what people mean when they say sometimes people are too caught up in the rat race that they block out all semblance of what's important? I promise myself, I will open my eyes more, look around more, observe more, and be appreciative towards the people I am trying to inspire, instead of the mountain piles of work in front of me. Thank you, dear students, for reminding me of what's important.

I have to say again, my colleagues are the nicest bunch of people I have ever met. So extremely thankful for my workplace environment, where everyone is helpful towards each other. I sense the care and concern, and even though I had to stay in school for close to a dozen hours almost everyday  this week, these people made it bearable and kept me from going crazy and that is one of the few aspects I really appreciate about being at work.

Praying for a better, more eventful week ahead. It's finally Week 10 and i am glad. Time flies.

Light of the world, Forever Reign

Tonight was well-spent catch up time with my Crusade DG. Haven't seen the girls in almost a year, time flies man. As I was early (for once), I decided to randomly window shop to while away time. As I walked into this particular shop, my phone suddenly blacked out and restarted itself, so I had to remove my earphones to reset my phone. As I did so, I heard the song that was playing in the shop, and I believe it was You speaking words of encouragement to me.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are truth, You are truth, 
Even in my wandering

Oh I'm running to Your arms, 
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love,
Will always be enough. 

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God,
Of all else I'm letting go. 

Thank You for reassurance time and again, Thank You for speaking into my heart. You are bigger than my troubles, and I will face my giants with You by my side.

Good times bad times.

It's been a long time since I last summoned up enough energy to utilize this space.. but I want to write the following post so that I never forget the feeling that I'm feeling now. Honestly this week has been eventful.. from feeling at my lowest and horriblest to feeling fulfilled and content, everything came wrapped up like a package with a big bow for me.

Half of the week saw me shrouded in feelings of helplessness because things were just going further and further downhill at work. Disobedient kids, noisy kids, kids that gave up, and amongst this chaos, kids who were actually genuine and wanted so much to learn. Trying desperately to find that balance of teaching effectively and managing the more difficult classes proved to be a huge challenge and I failed not once, but twice. Trying to control the students and make them interested in what I had to deliver was far from successful and again and again I wanted to cry and just give everything up. I never, ever want to experience what I experienced again this week, but I know that such difficult situations will present itself once again to me. Still trying to help the various different personalities in any given class, but I am struggling more than I expected to. Is this good? Does this mean I'm being tested and forced to step out of my comfort zone? If so, then my prayers were answered and I am learning to be independent. But then again, the fear at the back of my mind resurfaces again, would I be able to achieve what I intended to, or would everything backfire on me and make me sink further underwater? I need more guidance, but right now I am unable to see it. Am praying, hoping for the best in the coming weeks, I really hope that I can overcome this.

As there were sucky periods of time where I really just wanted to pull all my hair out and wrap myself in a blanket and never come out, there were also gaps in between that made me take steps forward and face reality bravely. I am blessed so much, blessed with lovely colleagues who smile at me in the walkways, colleagues who offer their listening ears to me even though they have a mountain load of work to clear themselves, colleagues who specially saved food for me when I was out for competitions and hadn't eaten anything the whole day, all these small kind gestures make me really encouraged to press on and not be hindered by whatever. Makes me want to be a better person and try that little bit harder to be more like them. I am just starting out but these people are really an inspiration and motivation to me. I can't be more thankful, really.

Initially, I complained because I had to stay back and check on my form class after school as they were decorating their classroom and wanted some sort of guidance. Why couldn't I just go home and catch up on much-needed sleep? I intended to just go for an hour or so and then speed out of school as fast as I could, but in the end, I stayed three hours to talk to some of the kids. And I don't regret my decision at all. I watched them make beautiful pieces of art with just their hands and creative minds, I listened as they shared with me completely random things, even more stupidly random videos, and saw how happy they were when they interacted with one another. Made me feel like I was in secondary school all over again.  Amidst all these, they shared some more serious things on their hearts with me, and I am glad that they trust me enough to have the courage to tell me all this.

"Ms Lee, now you're talking to us not as our teacher, but as our friend, okay?" And my heart swelled with warmth because these kids are so young yet they are so genuine with their words and thoughts. Sometimes, I need to stop being so caught up with all that is happening, take a step back and learn to think like these kids. They see the positive even when rubbish is thrown at them. And that is something that I admire. Thank you to my lovely class kids, I'm really starting to warm up to each and every one of you. My three hours couldn't have been more well-spent, and I just want to remember this Friday chillout session for as long as I can.

Thank You to God for holding my hand and standing by my side even when all I wanted to do was to pity myself and avoid this whole difficult situation. Now I see that it is not the way I should go, and I know You want me to face up to my fears and be brave in my actions. I will try my best, I will get out of this whirlwind, and when I am able to brush all these behind me, I will know that You are the one working a miracle in my life. I have doubted You countless times as a result of my own despair and I am sorry. I see that in even the most horrid situations, You still love me and You have provided a silver lining in every dark cloud that passes by. I cannot say how much I am grateful for that. I will be stronger, and this is not the end.

Counting my blessings, and trying hard.