Change

‘Change is the only constant’. We always hear people say this, but... Really?

I was reading through my old blogs, what attracted and amazed me most were all my password protected posts on Wordpress. I see the me a few years ago. And I look at myself now. Circumstances have changed, people have changed, I have changed. For the better or for worse I don’t really know, maybe it’s a mix of both.

Then again, how can someone/something stay constant all their life? Even water moves doesn’t it? In the form of ripples caused when there are disturbances. There’s been many disturbances in my life, some good some bad. And right where I stand now, I don’t like all this. I’m teaching my primary school kid about adaptations now, but ironically, can humans truly adapt at all? Or do we just push the bad experiences and memories aside, force ourselves to continue with life? Because that’s how it seems for me.

Almost every night the past haunts me. Like a broken record, I’ve said one too many a time. And there’s no way to stop the mental images and that’s what scares me the most. That I have changed, but the past has stayed the same. And will always stay the same. Something to keep you from moving on completely. I spend too much time wanting the past back, trying to find a rewind button to relieve all those feelings again. Then I realise everything’s changed.

Change is the only constant, not so true at all eh.

May 19th, 2011.

Train tracks.

Today I went to JB via railway, the first time I have ever done so. And I must say the journey was, an interesting experience. There’s just something nostalgic and special about seeing a train station, getting into the train, looking outside the windows and seeing train tracks and the scenery. I mean, MRT also can lah, but its just different.

I watched a video on the train to pass time, and it was about how ‘life only has one beginning and one end, and the rest are just a whole lot of middle’ (no prizes for guessing where that quote came from *cough* Glee *cough*).

A journey. From the start till the end, we are on the same train known as life. People come, people go, circumstances change, sometimes the paths are straight, other times they wind left and right, sometimes the destination seems nowhere in sight, sometimes you learn to look from different perspectives, sometimes you feel too rooted and refuse to get out of your comfort zone, sometimes there are sudden jerks which wake us up from certain delusions we might already have.. and the list goes on and on, its never ending.

But does any of it matter? If I were on a real train as of now, I would describe the process being a major roller-coaster ride all this while. It’s gone up, gone down, twisted and turned so many ways I can’t even remember where I actually got on. The end seems far as well, I don't know when this will end, but I know I’m safe. That I wont fall off and die because God has a plan. And it’s definitely not the end even things have been feeling so crappy nowadays. I’m curious to know whats gonna hit next, but I’m apprehensive at the same time. Let’s just say, I’m extra afraid of disappointments and getting hurt, yet I want to know what's in store for me all the same. 

Ironic, I say.

If Only

If hearts were unbreakable,

I would tell you exactly how I feel

You might think I’m a fool for acting this way

But believe it or not, these feelings are definitely real

.

If rejections never hurt,

I think the world would be a much better place

People wouldn’t be afraid to hide their feelings out of fear

They would learn to treasure the ones they hold dear

.

If words didn’t sting,

I would sing a million songs for you

Songs with lyrics filled with what I wanted to express

And hopefully, you would sing them back to me too

.

If only, those two words ring in my mind

The two saddest words in the world

They represent so many regrets of life

If is too strong a word, it is filled with lies

It can cause hearts to flourish with happiness,

It can also cause hearts to break, and die

I wish upon a thousand wishing stars

Stars that fill the night sky

That somehow one day my dream would come true

That I would be able to be with you

.

When shooting stars fly past

People clasp their hands and make a wish

But I hold back the tears

I know my wish, can never be granted

.

As long as we stay friends

I promise I will try to stay happy

I’ll bury those sour feelings deep in my heart

And move on with a smile, no matter how hard

.

I really wish things could go back to what it used to be

When I felt that there was just you and me

Sadly, things just changed as time passed

I really hope the friendship we have, will last

Happened to see some stars in the sky that night, and somehow came up with this off the top of my head again. I used to have a knack for conjuring things up like these last time, but not so sure about now. Getting harder and harder to do so..

Love Is,

You’re the one that made me see

Loving someone is not about being with him or her

It’s about being happy when he or she is happy

And not regretting when you look back in the future

.

Love is selfless giving

It is learning to fully let go

Supporting that special person

Even when he or she may not know

.

Love is giving your hundred percent

In trusting that one person

Who might have overlooked your existence

But to ignore him or her, you have never found a reason

.

Love is when the person isn’t by your side

And you feel sad and blue

But then you never take it to heart

Because you know he or she is always there for you

.

So corny, but it was off the top of my head. Haha. One of those crazy poems you never thought of writing, but still do in the end anyway. 

The Four Seats

The dark grey skies shed large drops of tears, which slowly fell to the earth , the pavements , roads and grass. As the drops of water splashed onto the surface of the earth , they were accompanied by a giant symphony , the crashing of thunder , flashing of lightning . What a accompaniment. She left the house with a pink umbrella in her hand,  to shield her from the rain. As her feet connected with the ground , it sent raindrops splashing everywhere. How she loved rainy days. She waited at the sheltered bus stop , waited for the bus that would soon come. As she heard the rumbling of vehicle wheels , she smiled to herself , and folded her umbrella.

As she stepped onto the bus , safe from the surrounding rain and wind , she looked around her. The warmth of the bus enveloped her . As her fingers closed around the familiar railing at the side of the bus , she trained her eyes in front of her. There were four seats , all of them occupied. Her eyes started from the left.

She saw a child. A small boy playing his PSP , without a care in the world. He had no problems in his life , he looked forward to everyday ahead of him. It was just pure fun , laughter , and joy. Sweet innocence was all that filled his mind , he did not have to worry about the world until he was much older. She smiled to herself , looking at the small child , how she wanted a life similar to his. She wanted to be free from worries that engulfed her everyday.

Her eyes moved to the person sitting next to the child , a teenager in his school uniform , on his way to school. He was listening to his iPod , legs stretched out , looking relaxed. But who knows what was going on in his mind ? Her thoughts went back to when she was a teenager herself. The most exciting , yet most heartbreaking moments in her life. When she went to school , made new friends , enjoyed herself . When she met her first love , and experiencing that sweet bliss. Once again , she smiled. Then she thought of how she failed in her studies , failed her parents’ expectations of her , broke up with her boyfriend. The memories came flooding back , each memory stronger and a stab deeper into her heart each time. She opened her eyes , halting the thoughts of her past.

Next was an ordinary working woman like her. She could see dark rings beneath the woman’s eyes.This woman , reminded her so much of herself. After graduating , she had started working. Everyday was just a routine , going to work , coming home , sleeping , repeating that cycle. Life was incredulously mundane for her. She was tired of the working world , the politics going on around her , of life itself. She hardly took a break , simply because she never could find the time. She was waiting for the day when all of this would end , when she could truly experience what her perception of life was. Relaxation , carefree , happy moments. She let out a soft sigh.

The last in the row was an elderly woman. As she focused her eyes on the woman’s face , she could see wrinkles. This face was weathered throughout the years , and she could see tiredness in the woman’s eyes. She had gone through the different stages of life , from a child , to a teenager and then to an adult and presently. She wondered what it would be like when she was going to be like this elderly woman. Would she be free from her troubles? Or would she be so immersed in everything that she would be a bitter old woman ? That was not what she wanted to be. She crossed her fingers , hopefully.

Ding dong! The bell made her snap back into reality , away from her thoughts. It was time for her to alight. As she exited the bus , she thought of the four people once again. Life was unexplainable , and she should make the most out of it. She smiled , opened her umbrella , and walked into the rain.

Gentle Whispers

Candles are easily lighted
But why do flames burn out fast?
The friendship between you and me
Is it going to last?

Happiness can turn into sadness
In the flash of an eye
My hopes were high
But again they were dashed , please tell me why?

I waved and smiled happily
Wishing you would do the same
But when you walked past ignoring me
I felt invisible again

I was dismayed the rest of the night
Looking left , looking right
Trying to catch a glimpse of you
But you were never in my sight

When I was feeling sad and blue
A voice just came into my head
‘Little child , why do you fear? ,
Dont you know Im paving the way for you ahead? ‘

That gentle whisper spoke to me
When I heard it I broke down
I thought of how many times I had forsaken God
Even though He was always , always around

Because God is good, and He works in mysterious ways. It's been a long while, but I'm glad we can still acknowledge each other happily despite all the misunderstandings we've been through. Thank you friend.