Good times bad times.

It's been a long time since I last summoned up enough energy to utilize this space.. but I want to write the following post so that I never forget the feeling that I'm feeling now. Honestly this week has been eventful.. from feeling at my lowest and horriblest to feeling fulfilled and content, everything came wrapped up like a package with a big bow for me.

Half of the week saw me shrouded in feelings of helplessness because things were just going further and further downhill at work. Disobedient kids, noisy kids, kids that gave up, and amongst this chaos, kids who were actually genuine and wanted so much to learn. Trying desperately to find that balance of teaching effectively and managing the more difficult classes proved to be a huge challenge and I failed not once, but twice. Trying to control the students and make them interested in what I had to deliver was far from successful and again and again I wanted to cry and just give everything up. I never, ever want to experience what I experienced again this week, but I know that such difficult situations will present itself once again to me. Still trying to help the various different personalities in any given class, but I am struggling more than I expected to. Is this good? Does this mean I'm being tested and forced to step out of my comfort zone? If so, then my prayers were answered and I am learning to be independent. But then again, the fear at the back of my mind resurfaces again, would I be able to achieve what I intended to, or would everything backfire on me and make me sink further underwater? I need more guidance, but right now I am unable to see it. Am praying, hoping for the best in the coming weeks, I really hope that I can overcome this.

As there were sucky periods of time where I really just wanted to pull all my hair out and wrap myself in a blanket and never come out, there were also gaps in between that made me take steps forward and face reality bravely. I am blessed so much, blessed with lovely colleagues who smile at me in the walkways, colleagues who offer their listening ears to me even though they have a mountain load of work to clear themselves, colleagues who specially saved food for me when I was out for competitions and hadn't eaten anything the whole day, all these small kind gestures make me really encouraged to press on and not be hindered by whatever. Makes me want to be a better person and try that little bit harder to be more like them. I am just starting out but these people are really an inspiration and motivation to me. I can't be more thankful, really.

Initially, I complained because I had to stay back and check on my form class after school as they were decorating their classroom and wanted some sort of guidance. Why couldn't I just go home and catch up on much-needed sleep? I intended to just go for an hour or so and then speed out of school as fast as I could, but in the end, I stayed three hours to talk to some of the kids. And I don't regret my decision at all. I watched them make beautiful pieces of art with just their hands and creative minds, I listened as they shared with me completely random things, even more stupidly random videos, and saw how happy they were when they interacted with one another. Made me feel like I was in secondary school all over again.  Amidst all these, they shared some more serious things on their hearts with me, and I am glad that they trust me enough to have the courage to tell me all this.

"Ms Lee, now you're talking to us not as our teacher, but as our friend, okay?" And my heart swelled with warmth because these kids are so young yet they are so genuine with their words and thoughts. Sometimes, I need to stop being so caught up with all that is happening, take a step back and learn to think like these kids. They see the positive even when rubbish is thrown at them. And that is something that I admire. Thank you to my lovely class kids, I'm really starting to warm up to each and every one of you. My three hours couldn't have been more well-spent, and I just want to remember this Friday chillout session for as long as I can.

Thank You to God for holding my hand and standing by my side even when all I wanted to do was to pity myself and avoid this whole difficult situation. Now I see that it is not the way I should go, and I know You want me to face up to my fears and be brave in my actions. I will try my best, I will get out of this whirlwind, and when I am able to brush all these behind me, I will know that You are the one working a miracle in my life. I have doubted You countless times as a result of my own despair and I am sorry. I see that in even the most horrid situations, You still love me and You have provided a silver lining in every dark cloud that passes by. I cannot say how much I am grateful for that. I will be stronger, and this is not the end.

Counting my blessings, and trying hard.

The most wonderful time of the year

Another year has almost come to an end, and 2015 is fast approaching. Every year seems to be passing faster than the next, and this acceleration of time sometimes scares me. As the year comes to an end, I've been doing much reflections on my part. I cannot find a word to describe 2014 simply, because I think that too many overwhelming incidents have occurred within the time span of a year. However, for the good and the (seemingly) bad, I thank God for seeing me through yet another year, and letting me get to know more and more individuals who I have come to treasure and be appreciative of.

For the times which I thought were difficult and horrible, I look back now and I see how these situations have actually been better than I thought that they would be. I hated the thought of graduating a year earlier than my friends, and I prayed desperately for a miracle, for my CAP to change so that I could just linger one more year in NUS. I even mentioned that I was willing to do anything just to not graduate at this time of my life. If only I could have seen how silly I was at that moment. Yea I graduated unwillingly, but the next half a year turned out to be more enriching than I could ever imagine. I was blessed with a workplace and colleagues who are so eager, nice and spontaneous, somewhere that I have learnt abundantly even though I've only been there a short 3 months plus. I've had so much more time to myself to do the things I love, and even ample time to just catch up on the rest that I didn't have much of a chance to in the past 3 years. The most important thing that I see clearly now would be that if I had advanced to Year 4 miraculously, I know I would have taken it for granted and tried to pull through with my own strength, and probably not be able to handle the workload and get discouraged for no reason. Slowly I came to understand God's plan amidst all the uncertainty, that my place was to be somewhere else. And as I accepted this fact, the road ahead seemed clearer and clearer. Even though there were times I relapsed (haha) and fell into the cycle of 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', I was always brought back to the path I was supposed to be on and given assurance repeatedly. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn to only see things through my own eyes, and this would be something I wanna work harder on in the new year, even though I don't make and stick to resolutions..

I'm thankful that even though I have graduated, friends from school still keep in contact, and I think that these communications really steered me on and encouraged me. For those who have made the effort, I am so appreciative. For the new friends that God has placed into my life, I'm so happy and I will work harder at maintaining the friendships that I have been blessed with. When I was so pessimistic before, I am learning to look at things through a larger lens scope and try to be more optimistic whatever the situation may be.

I love Christmas and that was the original point of this post, which I have digressed far from. I love the festivity, the lights in town and on random streets, and the holiday mood that seems to be present wherever I go. Everyone suddenly seems a lot nicer, more generous and just happier. I love receiving Christmas cards and my mother thought I was crazy smiling while reading the cards I got in the mail, but I didn't care haha. But more than receiving things, seeing people receive things and be happy gets me feeling happy too! I think that's what the spirit of Christmas is about, the willingness to give just like Christ has been generous to us. And beyond the presents and gift giving and feasting, I'm sure when God looks at His people enjoying the company of each other and spreading the spirit of love, He is overly joyful too. I am rambling and probably should end this post soon, but I really wish Christmas would never end, no one would need to go back to the hectic bustling working life and just take as much time as they want to express their love and gratitude for the people around me. But then again, who says the Christmas spirit can only exist during Christmas right? Haha.

Even as Christmas draws to a close, I hope everyone will still be happy. New Year is coming too, and thats another event to look forward to! I'm really excited and I really love the end year celebrations. Hehe. Wishing everyone peace and joy and much laughter in all that you do and wherever you go, I'll consolidate my thoughts and write a proper comprehensive reflection post at the end of the year probably.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! FELIZ NAVIDAD!! HOHOHO :D :D :D

DK

Sometimes it seems bleak

Sometimes things don't seem to go smoothly

Sometimes I want to drop everything and give up

But its exactly in these times I know You will intervene.

I need all the courage and willpower I can get to continue on being here but I know my strength is not enough. Relying on You and praying for a breakthrough and I know things will eventually add up and things will be rectified to what they were before. Over the past few days I have been reminded of Your great love and grace for all of us and it is by these reminders that I am once again in awe. You are faithful and You love me and that is all that I need to keep me going. The festive season has always been my favourite time of the year and I am really glad that I started looking forward to Christmas on the right footing. Thank You for making me see and believe in Your wondrous works once again.

Thanks to all those who walked by my side, those who took time out to share their testimonies of faith with me, and for reminding me time and again that we serve an all powerful Father.

Things can only get better because You are in control. Holding these promises close to my heart.

What's in between?

I like to look outside my window.

The view is the same every day, but it is different at the same time. There's always different cars driving on the expressway, some black, some silver, the occasional brightly neon colored car. There's different accidents that occur too, some light skidding of tyres, others so serious the commotion would rouse me from sleep. Singapore is summer all year round but sometimes I look outside and it is morning, sometimes it is evening and the Sun is gonna set. Sometimes its so hot I can barely open my eyes to face the glaring ray of sunlight, the next moment it can turn gloomy and dark and pour heavy rainwater droplets down from the sky.

I like that time of the day when it is in between day and night; evening. When I see flocks of birds fly back to their nests in the trees and call it a day, yet as they settle down on the branches, they do not go to sleep yet, instead they chirp merrily to one another, creating a chorus that is so messy yet harmonious at the same time. When I see people rushing onto the buses and trains after working for the entire day, yet not all of them go straight home to their beds, they loiter around outdoors, have meals with their loved ones, stroll aimlessly.

It's like when the sky meets the ground; water being a medium between the two. Sometimes it seems so unreachable, two totally different expanses, but then after a while, it becomes something natural.

Standing Still

I love the winter season (that sadly, Singapore does not have). I have been to a couple of countries during their colder months and I have absolutely enjoyed every single second of it. When I was a kid, I saw snow falling in cartoons on the TV and I wanted to be in the middle of all the snow and have fun constructing snowmans and igloos too. I enjoyed my holiday in Korea years ago because it was freezing cold every morning when I stepped out of the hotel. I blew and there were puffs of mist forming in the dry air and I was so thrilled. I ate ice cream and got strange looks from people who walked by me, but I didn't care because it was so amazing that the ice cream had not melted even after 20 minutes. I climbed up on the tour bus and looked out of the window one exceptionally cold morning and there on the window screens were countless little pretty snowflakes that had formed overnight. I was so, so glad and I wanted to run outside and catch them in my hands. But sadly after a while they faded into nothing and I was so disappointed. But then I looked beyond that and I saw the whole ground blanketed by snow. And whenever we walked, the snow would crunch below our feet and freeze my toes through my woolly socks but I didn't mind. Not even until I got frost bite and had difficulty walking. There's something about winter that makes everything seem so much more tranquil, and these scenes do play in my head quite regularly. Am determined to see snow sometime soon, because I think it's really wondrous how the body can be shaking and shivering from the temperature, yet the heart feels nothing but warmth and more warmth.

But for now, back to reality because school starts again tomorrow. Good week ahead guys!

New start, new journey

It's been 3 whole weeks since I began my first full-time job, and I'm really amazed at how time seems to pass so slow and so fast at the same time. Before I began my job I was pretty worried about what the future held for me.

How would I fit in?
Would I get on well with my colleagues?
Would I be able to handle the students properly and not get things thrown at me?
Would I be able to meet the goals I had set out for myself?

All these questions whirled around in my head more than once. And I was really afraid that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to. But now I look back and I can actually laugh at myself because now I see that things can never ever always turn out the way I want it to. Yet, I find myself still enjoying myself and trying to immerse fully into the process. and I am so thankful for the way things have turned out and excited for the way that things will continue to turn out no matter what gets thrown my way.

Quite a few people have asked me, why teaching? Why want to saddle yourself with children and youth of the 21st century who don't have manners, don't appreciate what you do for them, are spoilt and expect you to meet every demand of theirs? I couldn't answer because I have seen some children and how they don't behave, and I thought to myself I would be in for a difficult time. It's true, across these 3 weeks of teaching and supervising classes, I have met all sorts of students. Those that just wanna have fun and not have a care in the world even though their major examinations are coming up in less than 2 weeks time, those who are absolute jokers who crack the coldest, lamest jokes I have ever heard in my life, those who are rude and have feisty attitudes who just want to argue with you for the sake of it, I have seen them and yet I don't think that I have seen the worst. Initially I was speechless. How could kids these days be so daring and so thoughtless about consequences? There was more than one day I walked out of class feeling dejected and thinking I wasn't cut out for this at the back of my head.

But as each day passed, I realized that however sucky my day turned out, I could always find something to be thankful for without fail. Every. single. day. My colleagues and the school staff have been so, so fantastic and friendly to me, and everyday I get to know more and more people in school. Most of the teachers are older than me, yet they have such young hearts and by conversing with them and listening to their experiences, I really think I have learnt lessons that can't be systematically taught. For that, I really am appreciative and thankful.

The students were an eye opener for me because I have seen so many characters over the short span of 3 weeks. There are the rowdy mischievous ones, and on the other side of the spectrum there are the absolutely silent and shy ones. But I think the most interesting thing I observed while teaching the kids was that even the most naughty ones can be such sweet angels at times too. The Sec 5s just REFUSED to listen to me when I walked in the first lesson, but when I saw them in the corridor just a week later, they told me they were sad that they wouldn't get to have another lesson with me anymore. From rolling their eyes and talking back to me, they changed 180 degrees and said they would miss me when they graduated. And to see such a huge change even though I only saw them a couple of times really warmed my heart because I know deep down that they actually care. They care about themselves and the teachers and the people around them and even though they might not show it directly, their hearts are still that big. From seeing hundreds of unfamiliar faces everyday in school to having students shout bye to me as I leave school everyday is really heartwarming for me as well. I know it's something small, but being remembered by the kids is something I feel is quite significant. And for that I am thankful and happy too.

When people say that teaching requires passion, I used to think pshhh such a cliche. But now that I've experienced it for myself and even though it's just the beginning, I understand what that means. When people say that teaching is rewarding, I can also relate now. I think it's amazing how at the end of the day, I can feel so tired and burnt out and just wanna collapse on the floor, yet at the same time, feel so happy and glad and fulfilled that I'm blessed with such an awesome school to spend the next few months in. Things have been tough, but I trust that things will only get better as time goes by. Thank You God for the many opportunities.

"In order for success, you first need to fail"

To me, learning and education is essential to a betterment of oneself. When I think of education, an image of a child being fascinated at his surroundings which spurs him on to take the initiative to find out more about his environment and how these individual parts affect him as a whole pops up in my mind. However, I understand that education in its literal sense may not always be as ideal as the above scenario. But however different the methods we use to educate others, especially the young, shouldn't the original purpose still remain?

I happened to have a conversation with my youngest brother today, which brings me to the point of why I decided to write such a post. I have always felt that the local education system is somewhat stifling. Sure, before we reach a decade old, most of us already have a basic foundation of English, Mathematics, Mother Tongue. These days, so many enrichment programmes are available out there for children as young as 2 years old to learn critical thinking skills and even non-academic talents (piano, art etc). Children are educated and are fully literate with a huge database of knowledge in their brains. They are adept at listening, at spelling, at learning how to solve equations and problems sums, they are active mentally and physically. Most of them have a wide range of resources and reading materials for their personal enrichment outside of school as well. With all of these information available to them, shouldn't they be able to be more discerning and street-smart when it comes to knowing and adapting to their world more?

My brother just received his examination results today, and when I asked him about them, he responded that his Chinese Language exam did not go so well. He scored 65% for this particular examination paper, and this is pretty average (I did much worse than him when I was his age, I admit). Yet, he burst into tears and launched into a complaint of how he felt that he did really 'badly' and he wasn't as good enough as his peers. My brother has always been excellent in academics since Day One, even scoring a full 100% on his Mathematics examination sometime last year. Probably that was why he felt disappointed this time round because he did not do as well. Furthermore, his Mother Tongue has always been a weaker subject, so I can completely understand. It didn't seem like a big issue to me at all, until he went on about his performance for other subjects. 

"I scored 86% for my Mathematics paper."

"Wow, that's great! That's like an A+ right?"

"No, I'm so dumb, more than half of my classmates scored above 90% this time, I'm not up to standard."

"You're far from dumb, what about all your other papers before, when you did so well?"

"That was last time, but what matters now is that I'm not as good as everybody else. They are improving, I am not."

"But what matters is you improved overall, and at least you are adding to your knowledge day by day, right?"

"What matters is my grades, they are my future, they are what's important."

SAY WHAT? I was pretty speechless by the end of our conversation. I really don't know what to say anymore. Grades are all that matters in the pursuit of education? Who the hell drilled that into his head at such a young age? It is one thing to be ambitious because you want to improve, it is completely another matter if grades are all you care about, and NOTHING else. My brother pretty much sounded like his obsession was focused purely on his results, and how he was 'stupid' because he couldn't get 'at least 90%'. I mean come on, honestly? Is this the kind of lessons we want to teach our young? To be result-oriented if not you will fail in life and have a bleak future? That's totally the opposite of what learning is about, in my opinion. And I felt SO disappointed when I heard my own brother utter those words, because he is a pupil of brilliance and has one of the quickest and bright brains of the kids that I know. Is this what education is all about to him? 

I am not saying that the education system sucks. I acknowledge the fact that they are trying to introduce reforms to make learning more flexible and fun for the kids, and yes these changes take time and benefits can only be seen in the long-term. However, is society so focused on just the results that the process is forgotten? If that's the case, which it pretty much seems so, then maybe everyone of us needs to stop and rethink what image exactly are we painting for the future generation. Teachers, parents, siblings, relatives, even as members of the public, I think that everyone has a role to play to preserve the true meaning of education, not turn it into some materialistic investment just so we can be 'successful' in life. Is the idea of success just a material achievement then? To earn lots of money and shift into a big house with a big car and then continue to earn more big bucks? I don't think so. I've seen so many kids that are raised to be so afraid to fail, they grow up completely not knowing what failure is. But without failure, how do you climb up the ladder to be successful? If you don't wanna chop down a tree out of fear that it might fall on you, how do you build up a house with your bare hands?

Where is the balance in the picture? I don't know how I am going to change my brother's skewed perception, but I'm gonna do whatever it takes. Still mega shocked hearing his words. Sigh. 

Disclaimer: This blogpost is purely based on my experience and they are my opinions and mine only. It is not a criticism of any particular institutions or people. I really feel quite strongly about this issue, and all I'm trying to put across is that I think mindsets need to be changed, myself included. If I have offended anybody with whatever I have written, I apologize. No hard feelings ya? (: