Wtf

Honestly speaking I dont know how you can become a parent man. 

If parent = dumping work on your kid + doing your own things all the time + not bothering to get to know your kids + just simply not putting in effort, then I guess you have fulfilled it with flying colours. No point lah, just no point trying to understand. 

Promising myself over and over again that I will NEVER, EVER in my entire life become somebody like you. Even if this is the only promise I can keep, I will make sure its done. So sick of all this, and witnessing it from a third person perspective make it all the more worse. 

Moonlit nights

On nights like these when the moon is bright, the mind cant help but think just a tad bit more. I took a nap, I woke up, it was 11pm. Thoughts travel back to when I was in school. How things have changed. When I fall asleep early now, I remember how when I was still in school, at this timing I would not even be home. Still travelling on the highway, tired but content with life and just being able to find a seat on the bus lugging my heavy laptop and files of notes would make me more than happy. Yes I had little rest, but I was okay with that. Fast forward to now, sleeping times have increased because even though I do not have a content heavy workload like I did in school, I feel tired all the time.. sometimes I stop and ask myself, what am I doing all this for? Wheres the meaning? I am so afraid one day I will lose sight of this goal, and I really dont want that to ever happen. Nights like these I just want to be transported back to the past, even if its for awhile. Just to live in the moment and maybe feel what I used to feel again. That I had something to look forward to and live for. Its becoming much harder these few days, honestly. But then the world stops for nobody, and if there is a possibility that I can turn back time, who will be there in the past, waiting to re-live those moments again together with me? Perhaps nobody, because everybody has moved on.

Havent drafted a post like this in a long time. I'll admit, doing this once in a while feels so good, probably I need to return here more often. Goodnight world and goodnight blog for being a constant familiarity, something I really need now.

To be great,

Started the first day of Term 2 on a serious, somber note this morning. As a school, we watched the live telecast of Lee Hsien Loong as he addressed the nation on the demise of the late PM Lee. He talked about his father three times, in Malay, Chinese and English. And each time, his eyes grew redder and more teary. It was a heartbreaking sight to watch, really.

As I scroll through social media and everybody is posting RIP tributes and recounts and memories and condolences, I will also take a moment out of my schedule to reflect too. It wasn't so long ago that I read an article online on all the mistakes that the government has made, how we as a nation have failed in searching for progress. I could tolerate the article, there was at least some practical sense to it, constructive criticism? What I could not tolerate were the comments that followed. Made by hundreds of people and seen by hundreds of thousands around the world. Comments made by ordinary people whose raw intentions were to hurt and fan flames to ignite an even bigger fire. It is so, so easy to just type something and share it with others at the press of a button. but maybe it is too easy. It has made people type before thinking, and what results is irrational and totally insensitive comments. Why? Why do we set out to hurt the people around us, and even more so, those we don't even know?

Being a history student for more than a decade, I have sat through class after class of Singapore's history, Singapore's founding figures, Singapore's achievements, Singapore's road to success, Singapore's struggle and hardships. I have also been exposed to classes that look at a Singapore history that can be counted an alternative to the mainstream version; How leaders fail, how leaders may be greedy and make unwise decisions, how leaders have lost crucial support from the masses, how leaders are not altruistic. And more than once, I have been swayed towards these various perspectives, being quick to point fingers and criticize and complain. So much so that I fail to realize that we as a nation have been so fortunate and are so well-off. Yes, leaders have the responsibility of making a good first impression, so they have an added burden to carry themselves well. But when is the line between 'well' and 'perfect' drawn? Leaders, at the end of the day, no matter how great and influential, are still humans. And like all humans, leaders have feelings, leaders have emotions.
When have we gone too far with the name-calling and curses and complaints? Nobody is perfect, but that does not give us any right to discredit peoples' efforts to build up a country. Something that PM Lee Kuan Yew has done throughout most of his life.

For having faith to step out of his comfort zone even though his successful future was guaranteed, for fighting hard when others would rather not be involved, for sticking with unpopular but necessary decisions not caring about what nasty things people said behind his back, for not being perfect but still willing to try till the very end, thank you. Singapore is really a better nation because of your hard work.

Lighthouse Dreams

Been long since I sat down and watched a movie from start to end. Finally managed to do so yesterday with my littlest brother, and had a whale of a time. We watched an animation film called Song of the Sea, and absolutely loved it. All I have been watching recently is bitchy dramas full of over-emphasized situations and emotions, land this felt like a good break away from all of that. Originally a tale that came from a folk legend, illustrated through colourful drawings and enthralling songs, and a touching ending. Simple children's film, but it tugged at the heartstrings. Still feeling snuggly after watching the movie.

Plus point, seals were too adorable throughout the movie. Pretty creatures. 

Spark

In a day that was horrid and left me tired, hungry and hopeless, I remember this conversation that occurred between me and the kids today. 

"So all of you please remember to go find your sources over the March holidays okay? You all can find from online...blah blah... or you can go museum and look around, free one"

"Cher, we go as a class can, all of us go together, save time."

"You all can choose to go as a class, individually, anything. Just remember to find the sources by first week of Term 2."

"But Cher, if we all go together, you must go along and accompany us leh!"

"Why should I, you all so big already, don't tell me you don't know the way there pls. See how, if got time then I go with you all."

This boy, who always talks nonsense in my class "But Cher, it's only considered a class outing if you are with us. You not there, something is missing from our class. You there, then our class is complete ma."

And they continue justifying why I should go along with all of them. 

Probably the best thing that I remember from today. Thank you kids <3

Simplicity at its best.

It's been a while.

Life has been more hectic week after week. Just had possibly the worst week in my working life, but I have come to realize that when the worst happens, so does it get easier to identify the simple but best moments as well. I started the week off on a bad note because weekend marking was a rush and I was in a grumpy mood. All that was on my mind were deadlines, deadlines and more deadlines that I had to meet. No time, no time, no time, I thought to myself as I tried to envision how my week would turn out. Bad, horrible, terrible. When midweek came, I tried something new. I remember someone told me to look at things with positivity, not with negativity. So I tried to focus on the good things, even though I was tired and still grumpy.

Slowly I began to notice the small things.

My students whom I once labelled as 'troublesome' and 'difficult to handle' were manageable. They were the class that brought me much laughter even though I had so much on my mind. They surprised me by not only passing, but excelling in their tests as a class in general, and that was something I didn't expect. I promised a student a few weeks ago that if he scored an A1 (distinction), I would give him a hi five. And when I did, he couldn't stop smiling. That touched my heart so greatly, because while I initially chose to be bitter and focus on ambitious targets that I wanted for the class, what the kids wanted from me as a teacher was so simple, so innocent that it was easy for me to just brush it off and overlook. And when I saw how the students brightened up when I told them how proud I was of them, and I was happy that they did well, inside I felt quite ashamed. Is this what people mean when they say sometimes people are too caught up in the rat race that they block out all semblance of what's important? I promise myself, I will open my eyes more, look around more, observe more, and be appreciative towards the people I am trying to inspire, instead of the mountain piles of work in front of me. Thank you, dear students, for reminding me of what's important.

I have to say again, my colleagues are the nicest bunch of people I have ever met. So extremely thankful for my workplace environment, where everyone is helpful towards each other. I sense the care and concern, and even though I had to stay in school for close to a dozen hours almost everyday  this week, these people made it bearable and kept me from going crazy and that is one of the few aspects I really appreciate about being at work.

Praying for a better, more eventful week ahead. It's finally Week 10 and i am glad. Time flies.

Light of the world, Forever Reign

Tonight was well-spent catch up time with my Crusade DG. Haven't seen the girls in almost a year, time flies man. As I was early (for once), I decided to randomly window shop to while away time. As I walked into this particular shop, my phone suddenly blacked out and restarted itself, so I had to remove my earphones to reset my phone. As I did so, I heard the song that was playing in the shop, and I believe it was You speaking words of encouragement to me.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are truth, You are truth, 
Even in my wandering

Oh I'm running to Your arms, 
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love,
Will always be enough. 

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God,
Of all else I'm letting go. 

Thank You for reassurance time and again, Thank You for speaking into my heart. You are bigger than my troubles, and I will face my giants with You by my side.