Ice

Maybe some part of me wants to remember today. Maybe months from now I want to remember this date and see what happen and then see what changed. Probably nothing would have changed and I dont want to hope for more but somtimes the mind works in overdrive and the heart is just abit more active. Idk whether what was said would materialize and I shall refrain from thinking because it serves no purpose. Need some clarity and direction and I know that somehow You will provide. Like how You always provide. Need a listening ear tonight and need some sleep but nobody is around and somehow silence can be quite defeaning as well. I know I am babbling but strangely I find comfort in this. And maybe I just want to remain status quo and not complicate my life. Then again one small part of me is wishing that things can change. How far and to what extent I am unclear but is this what You really want for my life? Let things ppay out in the next few weeks I guess.

Balance

At the end of the day I know my mind will once again travel back to this place, those nights, it will travel through every corner and road I have crossed, and it will wander away again.

I dont know whats in store but I know. it is only when I leave that I will see the significance of it all. Things have changed quite alot and I am very thankful.

Memory.

Today I went back to Ngee Ann Secondary. Hiw I miss that place so much even though its only been a matter of months since I left. Maybe I can say that just for this afternoon time stopped and I forgot all about the deadlines and assignments and meetings, and when I was in the school compound, it was like how it was before.

Finally I understand what it means to be unfamiliar in a familiar setting. Much has changed yet actually everything is still the same as it was. And maybe its only when you leave something dear to you that you always feel that you want to return and continue like nothing has ever happened.

I miss school.

3 months in

It's been about 3 months since life changed for me. From working an average of 12 hours a day and being exhausted to being put into a school environment, writing essays, doing assignments, adapting to being the student instead of the teacher again. Yet, I find myself getting more tired, more exhausted, more out of energy and everything just seems to be going downhill, downhill, downhill. Yes I have more time, its up to me to use that 24 hours a day however I want. For this short period of a few months, I am not confined to a school timetable, rushing to classes and skipping lunches in the process, being infuriated with my students on some days, being amused and feeling like I would give up anything just to spend some time with them on other days, yet I feel more stifled and suffocated than ever. It's been tough, really tough if I must admit and while I am still readjusting to sleeping at 2am every night, something I haven't done the past one year at all, I often find my mind wondering just how much more of this I can take.

Being plucked from an environment I was just getting settled into and dumped into another fast-paced one, I truthfully don't know how to adapt. Amidst all this chaos and rush, I miss my students. I miss my colleagues and for the most part of the week I miss my home and my bed. Being confined to the west, NTU, NIE and hall has probably taken its toll on me. And its gotten worser the past few weeks. At wits' end I questioned God and why He was doing this to me and why my life was so miserable, and perhaps I felt that pushing everything I once held dear to me was a way in which I could enforce some control over my wildly flailing emotions but I don't know, things don't seem to get better.

Today I went for service but my mind wandered far away throughout worship, as it often does now subconsciously. I remember the church was singing "In Christ Alone"and I felt something I haven't in the last few months. I saw people worshipping without restraint and I asked myself why they could feel so free even though they might have troubles weighing down their souls too? Maybe I was too tired to register but I cannot explain this feeling, except that I know it was a good one. My troubles are not just my own, and I think I have taken that for granted too much. If I can let the things of the world pull me this far away from You, then what does that say about the place You have in my life? Maybe I just haven't been making the effort, maybe I have purposely pushed this away so it would seem my problems, magnified, would be the only important thing, maybe it just felt good to wallow in self-pity and complaint for a while. But in doing this I know I have broken Your heart, because while I asked You to hold my hand and guide me through all of this, I was the one who let go time and again. And I am sorry. I know I will still feel this tiredness, I will still face all these challenges and internal struggles within me as long as I am here, but I need, need to be reminded that I'm here for a purpose. And instead of focusing on myself, I promise to focus on You and Your goodness. Time to look on the bright side no matter how difficult it will be, I will force myself to see the goodness You have embedded in this journey for me. And hopefully, just maybe, things will get better. Thank You for jolting me up from my daydream/nightmare.

What heights of love
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled
When strivings cease
My comforter, my all in all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Ink fades but it was once written before.

The best thing that happened to me this week was going stargazing randomly at night with the roomie. This is the first time I ever went stargazing and had the patience to sit in the same spot for 2 hours facing the black expanse of sky before me and not feeling the urge to give up halfway. 

It already seems like the next few months at NIE will be super overwhelming in terms of workload and projects and assignments, same like how it was when I was in NUS, but one thing that I'm determined to do is to remind myself regularly that I must make the most out of it. Especially since I have regrets that I wish I had at least tried to fulfill in NUS but now I can no longer do so. I don't think I wanna make the same mistake again, and now I only have less than half a year here, I want to immerse myself fully and do my best in everything. And I know that when I finally graduate from here I will miss this place so damn much. Being a student again after working for a year has really forced me to readjust all my priorities once again and to focus on what's most important and meaningful to me. And I wanna practice what I have learnt over the past year. 

As I sat on the ground on such a high point overlooking the entire school, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting on life in general. I know there are a lot of things I should be anxious about, and I should really start planning for the future as everyone says, but sometimes I really do just want to let things take its course, yet at the same time I hope everything will play out right for me. Too many things I want to achieve but I don't know how to go about doing so, and I guess there's no real way to going about doing each of them. Sometimes its frustrating to wait and wait and the thing you're waiting for never comes. 

But with all the thinking and heart to heart talks, I am grateful. Grateful for all the experiences and even the regrets and horrible things that happened along the way, because  my perspectives have undergone so many changes and I see things through a different, more mature lens now I hope. The stars in the sky that day amounted to hundreds, and they looked like someone just scattered them randomly across a black canvas but yet they still formed various patterns that I could barely just pick out. And even in the messy arrangement I still felt like they were meant to be where they were at that instance and that brought about a sense of peacefulness for me. 

I want to remember the experience of sitting there doing absolutely nothing yet being so content and satisfied and I hope one day I can say the same about my life. I hope when I'm looking back at this post I will still remember whats on my mind at this very moment when I'm typing. And hopefully then I will be able to laugh at myself for worrying too much because what I want at this instant has already come true.

Thank You for helping me see the beauty of Your creation and helping me experience all these abstract thought processes. I won't forget. 

Apart

I don't know how I could miss a group of people this dearly.

Since I didn't have classes at Pulau NTU today, I went to support the girls' at their East Zone Tournament Finals. Stupid shoes failed me halfway through the journey in the rain, but when I reached the court, I was hit by a wave of familiarity. Not long ago I brought the girls to this very same court weekly, and to finally be back (even though this time I was not the one accompanying them) invoked lots of feelings within me. Everything was similar, the match, the shouts of encouragement, even the cheeky students who came along to spectate and support their friends, everything was familiar. Yet it was unfamiliar. I am so proud of this group of girls, they may be young, yet seeing them give their all during every single match warms my heart tremendously. At their age, I wasn't half as motivated as them and to see such passion is something really special to me. This time I did not follow them on the bus back to school. And as I parted ways I felt a tinge of sadness because I don't know when will be the next time I see these kids again. I hope its really soon because being apart from them and not seeing them daily makes me realize how much of a void there is in my heart. And yes something is missing ever since I left the school, makes me really wanna consider returning to something I am already so comfortable with.

Nevertheless, it was really good to be able to see my bunch of kiddos today. <3

Turning pages

Haven't found the time to do this until now, although I really wanted to do so earlier because the memories that lay within my mind were fresher. 

As they say, when an old chapter closes, a brand new one opens, and that starts on a fresh page. 

For the past almost one year, I really have been so blessed to be allocated a workplace where I have grown tremendously. I choose to believe that it is always difficult to settle into a routine, yet constantly face new situations while being in that routine. Yet, for the past year I have been granted the opportunity to do just that; and more, with random things cropping up out of nowhere and forcing me to step out of my comfort zone, think on my feet and modify plans entirely to keep up with the circling whirlwind overhead. And now I look back and wonder how I managed to get through all of that, a small part of me still willing to dive head first into what I have experienced and go through it all over again. 

Thank you Ngee Ann Sec for providing me with a conducive environment in which I have learnt (and am still learning) to overcome challenges, raise my tolerance level and go beyond my limits and capabilities. When I entered the school as a fresh graduate, I really was a blur sotong who did not know anything and was kinda timid of what lay ahead of me, but stepping through the school gates on my last day saw me being more confident and eager to experience more in this field. Even as I am in ulu NTU typing this post now, I find myself constantly looking back at the times I have spent in the school, somewhere I have grown comfortable in, somewhere I miss quite dearly. 

Thank you to my colleagues and everybody who crossed paths with my the past year. I think it is another major blessing to work with people who have such passionate hearts, not only for the students, but for the profession as a whole. Everyone has always been so ready to share their experiences with me, and helping me without questions whenever I have doubts or issues to clarify. I appreciate all of you greatly and I hope that if chances permit, I could have the honour to be your colleague in the workplace once again. 

Thank you to my students who have been nothing short of wonderful to me and making my experience as a teacher the most awesome one that I could ask for. I  really had my doubts because I didn't have much experience in handling teenagers, and I have heard so many horror stories of how tough it could be to communicate with this age group of kids, but it turns out that I didn't have any cause for concern. All the kids I have encountered have their own quirks and special characters, some naughtier than the others, but I see how each of them had their own story as well, and I agree more than ever with the saying that there are no such things as bad kids. Yes there are mischievous kids, troublesome kids, quiet kids, but they aren't bad inside. And when I see the ability these students have to care for their peers and the people around them, and the extent to which they can go to show appreciation and gratitude, my heart is immediately warmed. Surely this is one of the milestones that educators work hard for to see being achieved? And I am glad to see that after only being in the profession for a year. 

I think that God has been so good to me this past year, from being a source of comfort in the darkest days just barely a year ago, to being a provider and support in my everyday life now. Things still seem rather surreal and its still difficult to absorb fully what has happened to me thus far. However, I will continue to have faith and may this new chapter be one that is as memorable, as meaningful and will help me to become better in what I do.  So thankful to everybody who has helped me in one way or another, I love you all! <3