Another goodbye.

Been waiting quite a long time to write this post and have been in a reflective mood the past few weeks. Shall just type what comes to mind and hopefully this post is at least coherent to myself, if not to anyone else. Six months have passed and I am currently here, waiting to enter another chapter of my life. But I know that before I proceed to do that, I must close the door to the current chapter first. It has been nothing short of a whirlwind for the past half a year, so, so much has happened and honestly I don't know where to start thinking. I realize I always tend to do this, take everything around me for granted and then at the very last minute when I have to leave, I start wishing I had done a little bit more, perhaps put in a little bit more effort to ensure that I have no regrets. Not regrets in the true sense of the word, but I wish I would have done things just slightly differently.

I remember when I was embarking on this chapter, I was not looking forward to it at all. There were so many nights of worrying and complaining and wishing I didn't have to leave my comfort zone, yet in the end I still had to. There were many firsts for me in the past six months, and thinking of them makes me feel fuzzy on the inside amidst all the rush and chaos that seems to be building up around me. I got used to contract teaching and my students, my work was so routinized and my position was so comfortable that I was really reluctant to give it all up. But then in a matter of weeks I was forced to say goodbye to my students and my colleagues and travel all the way west to be a student instead of the teacher once again. I was not ready, and I was really scared. Being someone that takes ages to warm up and adapt to a new environment, I really hate to leave something comfortable and move to something totally new, make new friends, do new things. I think somehow I just am not cut out for it. I traveled across Singapore but thankfully I had a hall to stay in temporarily. And now looking back, I am thankful that I had this chance to stay on campus instead of commuting back and forth everyday, I think that would have drove me absolutely crazy. I am thankful for the best roommate I could ever ask for. Our room was so spacious and I think if I had to live in it alone I would have been quite edgy all the time. I will remember hall life (even though we didn't really have much of a fun hall life). It's playing clearly in my mind now and I cannot help but smile at the thought. We could just walk back to hall everyday after class and take naps while other people had to while away their time in the library. The sky was always bluest right before evening, and the irregularity of the shuttle buses pissed us off so often that most of the time we just walked back and forth from hall to NIE. We were sick of school food and deciding where to eat everyday, dragged our feet to Hall 2 nearby to eat chicken rice and western food, yet I looked forward to every meal with you because there was always something to talk/bitch about haha. And I will always remember stargazing at the top of ADM that night, when everything was peaceful and we tried to find the meteor shower in the sky but failed badly. Then we had heart to heart talks while trying to ignore the couples around us, and it was just such a good time. We had numerous lizards in hall and we even succeeded in killing one, although we had to ask the security guard to clean it up for us afterwards. I am thankful that for every bimbotic moment I had, you were there to share it with me. When I complained too much, you were there to listen and you were always always patient with me. Thank you for moving my stuff into hall with me and also helping me pack up and move out too. Overall I really don't know how to thank you except to be so honoured that I can call you my friend. I will remember hall only because you were such a big part of that experience. <3

I was really apprehensive of school because everybody around me seemed to be so smart and capable, and honestly I felt quite small all the time. But thank God for giving me the best classmates/school mates I could ask for these past 6 months. I have never met such a bunch of enthusiastic and passionate people, and thank you all for always being patient with me and taking time out to explain to me things that I do not know. I always ask stupid questions but no one ever got angry or irritated with me and I am really thankful for that as well. I tried to make friends as much as I could, and I am so glad I found friends who are encouraging and spur me on all the time. Thank you Syahirah, Nisaa and Seekei, you three are the people I have really warmed up to in the past few months and I am thankful that we have crossed paths. I know I may bitch alot but that's because I trust you all so much <3 I hope that the friendships that have been formed will not disappear after we all leave school.

Honestly, NIE has  been stressful because all the assignments were crammed into a short space of time, but looking back and seeing how I am now here, cleared of most assignments and moving onto practicum, makes me kinda proud of myself even though I know the results will not be fantastic. I have lost sight of whats important over the course of time, but yet I see that God has always steered me back in the right direction and I remember praying at the start of the semester that I didn't want to face all this alone. And I'm so thankful that indeed God answers prayers because I think never once was I alone in this journey. And even though I have had nervous breakdowns in the past week because of another bout of uncertainty and unsureness about the near future, I know that I won't be alone either. Thank You God for letting me see your wondrous love for me even though I have taken it for granted again and again. I never thought I would say this but I will miss the life that I have lived and its difficult to adjust to another kind of life but I will try. All the best for everyone going for practicum, I hope these 10 weeks will be educational for everyone!

Bells

Today is Christmas Day andnthisnis my favourite part of the year because it is so festive and everyone seems a tad bit happier.
But this year seems different because there has been a weight on my heart that doesnt seem to be able to be lifted noatter how hard I try. Mind is wandering and emotions are fluctuating so often it kinda seems like the norm already, what can I do?
Then again this Christmas has been different. I remember I used to anticipate sending texts to everybody in my contact list back when we still used SMS instead of whatsapp, the novelty of that is more or less gone now since there seems like no point to flood everybodys inboxes. Or maybe its just cos I have drifted away from people so the point is gone. Whatever I do its difficult to find the positive and I really am kinda worried.
What has become of me?
Wanting things I cant have and pushing away things that I already am blessed enough to own. I dont want this and I am afraid. Having a battle inside my mind almost daily has probably taken its toil on me, I am exhausted. I know I can spend my time more meaningfully, but where is that push to give me a headstart? I can find none.
Not ready for 2016 to start, not in this frame of mind.
If only things played out differently and if only I did things differently, maybe I wouldnt be regretting so much now.
The rest of 2015, please show me some magic and chances, I think I really need a dose.

Snowprints

Everybody seems to be going places, mapping out their lives, belonging to somewhere. What about me? There certainly seems like there is no more place for me. Cant fit in and dont know how to fit in. Coupled with this massive jumble of knots in the heart, I dont know how to trudge on. But I know I have to and move forward I will. Just wish I didnt have to do it alone.

Ice

Maybe some part of me wants to remember today. Maybe months from now I want to remember this date and see what happen and then see what changed. Probably nothing would have changed and I dont want to hope for more but somtimes the mind works in overdrive and the heart is just abit more active. Idk whether what was said would materialize and I shall refrain from thinking because it serves no purpose. Need some clarity and direction and I know that somehow You will provide. Like how You always provide. Need a listening ear tonight and need some sleep but nobody is around and somehow silence can be quite defeaning as well. I know I am babbling but strangely I find comfort in this. And maybe I just want to remain status quo and not complicate my life. Then again one small part of me is wishing that things can change. How far and to what extent I am unclear but is this what You really want for my life? Let things ppay out in the next few weeks I guess.

Balance

At the end of the day I know my mind will once again travel back to this place, those nights, it will travel through every corner and road I have crossed, and it will wander away again.

I dont know whats in store but I know. it is only when I leave that I will see the significance of it all. Things have changed quite alot and I am very thankful.

Memory.

Today I went back to Ngee Ann Secondary. Hiw I miss that place so much even though its only been a matter of months since I left. Maybe I can say that just for this afternoon time stopped and I forgot all about the deadlines and assignments and meetings, and when I was in the school compound, it was like how it was before.

Finally I understand what it means to be unfamiliar in a familiar setting. Much has changed yet actually everything is still the same as it was. And maybe its only when you leave something dear to you that you always feel that you want to return and continue like nothing has ever happened.

I miss school.

3 months in

It's been about 3 months since life changed for me. From working an average of 12 hours a day and being exhausted to being put into a school environment, writing essays, doing assignments, adapting to being the student instead of the teacher again. Yet, I find myself getting more tired, more exhausted, more out of energy and everything just seems to be going downhill, downhill, downhill. Yes I have more time, its up to me to use that 24 hours a day however I want. For this short period of a few months, I am not confined to a school timetable, rushing to classes and skipping lunches in the process, being infuriated with my students on some days, being amused and feeling like I would give up anything just to spend some time with them on other days, yet I feel more stifled and suffocated than ever. It's been tough, really tough if I must admit and while I am still readjusting to sleeping at 2am every night, something I haven't done the past one year at all, I often find my mind wondering just how much more of this I can take.

Being plucked from an environment I was just getting settled into and dumped into another fast-paced one, I truthfully don't know how to adapt. Amidst all this chaos and rush, I miss my students. I miss my colleagues and for the most part of the week I miss my home and my bed. Being confined to the west, NTU, NIE and hall has probably taken its toll on me. And its gotten worser the past few weeks. At wits' end I questioned God and why He was doing this to me and why my life was so miserable, and perhaps I felt that pushing everything I once held dear to me was a way in which I could enforce some control over my wildly flailing emotions but I don't know, things don't seem to get better.

Today I went for service but my mind wandered far away throughout worship, as it often does now subconsciously. I remember the church was singing "In Christ Alone"and I felt something I haven't in the last few months. I saw people worshipping without restraint and I asked myself why they could feel so free even though they might have troubles weighing down their souls too? Maybe I was too tired to register but I cannot explain this feeling, except that I know it was a good one. My troubles are not just my own, and I think I have taken that for granted too much. If I can let the things of the world pull me this far away from You, then what does that say about the place You have in my life? Maybe I just haven't been making the effort, maybe I have purposely pushed this away so it would seem my problems, magnified, would be the only important thing, maybe it just felt good to wallow in self-pity and complaint for a while. But in doing this I know I have broken Your heart, because while I asked You to hold my hand and guide me through all of this, I was the one who let go time and again. And I am sorry. I know I will still feel this tiredness, I will still face all these challenges and internal struggles within me as long as I am here, but I need, need to be reminded that I'm here for a purpose. And instead of focusing on myself, I promise to focus on You and Your goodness. Time to look on the bright side no matter how difficult it will be, I will force myself to see the goodness You have embedded in this journey for me. And hopefully, just maybe, things will get better. Thank You for jolting me up from my daydream/nightmare.

What heights of love
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled
When strivings cease
My comforter, my all in all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.