Back to December.

It was the eve of Valentines day, the day that was all flowery, full of hearts, roses, pink, couples. She was walking along orchard road. All around her, there were couples walking along the streets in pairs, interested in nothing but each other. Looking at bouquets of flowers affected her a great deal, it made her venture down the thought path she tried so hard to barricade up on a daily basis.

A year. It had been a year since she had lost him. Lost love And since then, what? She hated herself for wallowing in self pity, for not being able to get the incident off her mind, for letting it haunt her like a ghost would a guilty person. Almost every night, she let her mind wander back to the painful memories. She felt silly, having asked herself a million times the meaning of bittersweet. Was this what bittersweet felt like, what had happened to her?

Bittersweet. The word was so familiar to her. She had used it to describe h er mood everytime she let her mind wander. Wander to memories of him and her and when she was happy, but the memories also harmed her by making her close up her heart to everybody around her. She could not trust the people around her anymore, she was so scared of having her heart trampled on like it had once been.

“So glad, you made time to see me,

How’s life, tell me how’s your family’

The familiar verse droned on. She was never particularly close to his family, but to him, that was another different issue. They could be described as inseparable  they were always seen with the other everywhere they went. She felt a sense of closeness with him that she did not feel with anyone else. It was a phenomenal thing, within a couple of months, she had grown to trust him with her soul, her heart. She would have described them as peanut butter and jelly, such a cliche  but so true as well. Peanut butter and jelly, which she had enjoyed so much when she was a kid. When she was still at the tender age where little girls dreamed of castles, princes and happily ever after. She once believed in happily ever after, being a great fan of Disney movies, but after everything that had happened, she didn't know what to feel anymore.

‘This is me

Swallowing my pride

Saying I’m sorry for that night’

She was truly sorry, in her heart. Sorry for all those nights. Many nights that caused her immense unhappiness and bitterness. Nights where they would quarrel over the stupidest things. She could remember, one time, they fought over her ex-crush. Out of pique, he had accused her of still being unable to forget that boy, and that she should go back to him if he was unable to provide her with the same level of happiness. Those words had struck her so hard, she had been devastated. For the first time since they had been together, she had cried the entire night, her heart would not stop aching from an unending pang people described as ‘heart-brokenness’. She knew that he had said it out of anger and he didn't really mean it, but the damage was done. The damage was already done. It was a matter of trust, and she knew that trust was something that was greatly lacking in their relationship. From then on, the quarrels intensified, so many times she felt lost and confused. So many times he was suspicious, accusing her of things she had not done. She was tired.

“I miss your texting,

Your sweet smile,

So good to me,

So right”

Then her thoughts would switch to the happy moments they had shared. Moments that made her smile and go weak in the knees. She would smile herself silly just by thinking of those incidents, but they were long gone. She thrived on these memories, them walking along the reservoir, admiring the birds and fishes. The sky was a deep aqua blue, and the clouds were hovering above them like big, fluffy cotton candy. She chased him, jumping onto his back, and his arms immediately wrapped around her petite frame. They would laugh, him trying to tickle her, but failing horribly. Like this, they ended up singing as they walked, him piggybacking her like she was the lightest weight in the world. Sweet memories, but now when she thought again, her heart ached so much.

“I go back to December all the time.”

She would remember that fateful December for as long as she lived. The day he finally had enough, and called it quits. She was thrown into a deep abyss of confusion for those few days, and she could still remember the delirium she was in. Endless questions ran through her mind the whole day, how could he bear to leave the relationship and her, after all they had been through? She had felt like she had lost her way after being dumped in a huge forest, a knife that stabbed into her chest so deeply it left a scar embedded in her heart that would never be erased. She begged him to stay, but after everything, he left. He walked away and did not look back. The few months after that was torturous. She tried to cope with the breakup, but she found that she was slipping deeper and deeper. There were days that she would cry bouts of tears for no reason, and it pained her to see the look of despair on her family members’ faces as they tried to figure out what was wrong. Would she go back to December again of she had the chance? Would she change things that she knew were wrong to start with, and how would she have changed them? She regretted deeply that they had ignored the underlying problems in the hope that they would disappear with every ticking of the clock. But it was too late.

Over a year now, as the familiar song played on the radio, a man dedicated his love for his sweetheart somewhere in the country; she hugged her pillow tightly to her chest and listened to every line of the lyrics. Lines that she used to sing out of happiness, but now only reminded her of the hurt. Memories continued to flood back to her at a rate she was overwhelmed by. As the song came to a close, she closed her eyes, a single tear rolling down her pinkish cheeks. Tomorrow was going to be a special day filled with love for many other people, but for her, it was just another ordinary day she had to gather courage to go through. A day that she once commemorated with excitement and affection, but now she had nothing left to give.

More tears flowed out from her eyes, and she sobbed into her pillow. Time to lock up the feelings back into the deepest corners of her heart, and throw away the key, for good.