Fall.

I believe everyone has regrets and more than once I find myself searching my mind for memories and imagining different scenarios that could have taken place had I done just one thing differently. Tonight somehow feels like it's gonna be such a night, I have so many things running through my mind now it feels pretty insane. The feeling of returning back to innocent childhood seems extremely pleasing to me right now, even more so because it's virtually impossible to do literally. But one can dream, can't she? These few days I think I have been daydreaming (and dreaming, and sleeping) quite a bit, and this mind has wandered more than just a few kilometres ahead. When the future is so uncertain, everything starts to get kinda scary. I guess I just don't know what to expect, but more than that, I know I am afraid to take that step forward, to turn that knob and open the door to the future which I know is already in front of me. Yet I choose to close my eyes because I am scared of knowing what's there. Why? Again and again, these are questions I can't answer. And it's been affecting me quite a bit because I want to be courageous and brave and accept this plan, but such a huge part of me just refuses to do so. Living in the present seems like a safer option and I never want to leave this room I'm currently in because then, I would be exposed to discomfort and all sorts of possibilities. Writing to make everything feel better tonight.

The lightning flashed once, then twice, high above in the evening sky. It reflected in his eyes that were wide with fear. A clap of thunder soon followed, booming loudly against the walls and to the boy, it was like an amplification that was ten times as loud. His hands flew to cover his tiny ears, jumping slightly when another flash of light lit up the room. What had he done? Earlier this evening, the two year old was playing in the room happily, his father by his side fiddling with some toy truck that he had left on the floor. The phone in the hall rang, and Daddy left to answer it, promising that he would be right back with a cup of warm milk for him. With that, he opened the door and was out of the room in seconds. Curiously, the boy toddled over to the door, reaching for the door knob that was unfortunately too high for him to grasp. He then proceeded to push the door with all his strength, and soon he heard a loud bang, the door closing shut tightly behind him. The boy was confused, surely the door would open by itself and Daddy would come in with his milk? He crawled back to the spot he was in previously, sat down and clutched the stuffed bear at his feet. 

He waited. 

And waited. 

And waited some more. 

Ten minutes had passed, yet there was no sign of any movement in the hallway. He started to get scared, why wasn't Daddy coming for him? Rain started to patter against the window, falling rapidly and painting wild patterns on the window panes, lightning again flashing every few seconds. The boy was terrified now, he hated the sound of thunder and he hated the darkness outside. Tears came to his eyes as he frantically wished for anyone to come rescue him. Another five minutes passed, yet there was nothing. 

The boy climbed onto his bed and quickly got under the covers, snuggling with all his soft toys and diving under the blanket. He sobbed for a while, willing the rain to stop and the sun to come out, but the rain continued to fall outside. After a while, he fell into a deep sleep, his heart still beating loudly against his chest. 

He wouldn't leave the bed, he thought, not until the sun came out, because this was the only place he felt safe in. Yet, he knew it was only temporary.