And once again

Another reminder to treasure what I have and what is existing before it is gone. 

Loss is a funny thing, at first you feel like nothing has changed. Everything progresses on as how it normally would. You look outside your window and you realize the Sun's rays warming your face just like every other morning. But maybe, just maybe, the seconds tick by just that little bit slower today, the air seems more still than usual, and you find yourself dragging your feet a little bit longer. And when you have nothing to do for that 45 minutes commuting to wherever you're supposed to be at, your mind wanders. Far back to the first time you had a connection with the object of your loss. Then it hurtles back and forth as you recall bits and pieces of time spent together, even though it may not have been much. You realize you aren't even trying, the memories just come back to you like a wave hitting a shore. It recedes, then it hits again, and you can't help but wonder why the feeling seems fresh every single time. Then this slight bitterness just bubbles up inside your heart, and sadness comes to fill in the gaps. You want to reconnect with it again, but reality hits you just then. It's not there anymore, it's not going to come back anymore. And you cannot accept the reality because how do you adjust to something that's been there for such a long time? I have so many thoughts of 'if onlys' swimming around in my head, but what can I do now that you're gone? 

My dear Piggy, I know I didn't have a close bond with you, and I didn't get to see you for the last time before you drew your last breath. I know you were in pain all this time, and honestly, I wished more than once that something could take away, or even just reduce your pain by a fraction of what it was. Nevertheless, I remember fondly how you would leap up to the front of the cage to greet me and eagerly await the food I will feed you no matter how painful it was to move around. I saw you birth your children, I saw you grow from a tiny guinea pig to an old one, and I saw the shine in your eyes every morning as you sniffed my fingers and responded to my calls. I'm sorry I never spent more time with you, that I never took you out to play or just spent that few more minutes standing by your cage talking to you. I know you could hear me. When I came home today and saw that the place where your cage used to be is now empty, my heart sank, really. I regret that I couldn't give you a proper burial. It calms my heart to know that you're definitely in a better place now. You don't have to suffer anymore, you won't have trouble breathing anymore, you can run without feeling any pain in your feet. And for that I am really really glad. But I know that I miss you already, even though it's barely been a day. I wait until now to cry, because I don't have the guts to cry in front of others. People may say you're just a guinea pig, just a small animal that's not worth crying over, but I beg to differ. Afterall, you were my pet as much as the family pet, and I will always remember you. 

Rest in peace, 
27th February 2014. 
Sending lots of love, carrots, cabbages, grapes and strawberries to wherever you are. Loving you. 

In the night, I hear them talk.

Been in a procrastinating mood recently, so I decided to log on here and do those short quizzes I loved to do when I was younger. Haha since CNY came and gone I have been so unmotivated to study and get my never-ending work done, so I might as well. Other than that, I guess 2014 has been pretty good to me so far, and I'm glad I'm doing fine in all the various areas of life. 

Gonna do this for fun, if you're bored like me, copy the stuff below, paste it into your browser and then start doing too hehe =P

Since the start of 2013, I've: 

Cross off what you’ve done

Gotten a new piercing.
Dyed my hair.
Ended a relationship.
Started a new relationship.
Been on a long car/bus journey
Passed an exam.
Met someone who’s now an important part of my life.
Cried on someone’s shoulder.
Had a massive fight with a boy/girl .
Received flowers.
Had a Valentine.
Written a letter using pen & paper.
Gone to see a therapist
Been prescribed medication by a doctor.
Read a really good book.
Gone to the zoo.
Spent too much money on unnecessary things.
Traveled by train.
Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan
Slammed a door out of frustration.
Had an anxiety attack.
Babysat for a friend’s child.
Had a BBQ
Gone to the fair.
Gone bowling.
Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.
Gone on a date 
Been the only sober one on a night out.
Helped someone home after they had been drinking.
Stayed up all night.
Talked on the phone for over two hours.
Supported someone who’d received bad news.
Watched some kind of live sporting event.
Read an entire book in one day.
Bought a DVD the day it was released.
Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week. 
Cried as a result of exam stress.
Met some incredible new people.
Gone to great parties.
Fallen backwards off a chair.
Broken my glasses.
Worn a watch for the first time in years.
Cried over someone in my past.
Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.
Thrown up.
Cried over a film.
Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-boy/girlfriend.
Fought with someone in public.
Been in a relationship for a year or longer. 
Cried in front of someone I adore.
Lost one of my closest friends.

While doing this, I looked back at 2013 and I see how much I have gone through (the good and also including the bad) and I think I can really say I was happy overall with the way the year played out, even though there were so many emotional, wanna-tear-all-my-hair-out times and a fair share of disappointments and angsty moments, I am still thankful and glad, and through everything I see how I have been blessed, more than I could ever have. 

Time to lock all those memories in a chest, turn the key and throw it away. Memories are best kept as memories and nothing more, no? 

Goodnight guys! Thanks for still sticking by here! :D

Within.

Hello guys! School has started, and since this is my last semester, I have been trying to enjoy the last time I can be a university student (or any formal student for that matter) and so far, I have been doing that! Constantly wondering how much of all this elements of school life I will miss when I finally leave, and deep down in my heart, I know that I will, a whole lot and then some more. It's been hectic so far, despite it only being Week 2, but God is good to me and I have been allocated all the modules that I wanted (and needed) and almost all the tutorial slots I balloted for. Thank You for that :D

Today, I had dinner with a friend in school, and by the time I took the train and bus and walked home, it was already nightfall. I reached the elevator of my block, and I noticed an elderly woman and her domestic helper walking towards the same direction as me. The old lady was hobbling and walking really slowly, the maid walked beside her and supported her with one arm. I pressed the lift button, and waited for the lift to come down 9 storeys. I was really tired and just wanted nothing to do more than to step inside my house and embrace my bed. It took some time for the duo to reach the lift, and then the old woman took a bit more time to hobble inside the lift with the assistance of her helper. She looked really glum and uncaring to her surroundings, so the first thought that came to my mind was what a sullen, fierce looking person she must be.

How wrong I was, because while we were halfway up in the lift, she happened to turn towards me, and I caught a glance in her way as well, and her frowning face changed immediately into a jovial one. I smiled back at her out of courtesy. When the lift arrived at my floor, I looked at her again, and she smiled a second time, even wider and happier-looking than the first one. I bade her goodbye and walked out, the lift doors closing behind me. Frankly, I was really surprised at how the human expression can change so fast. I don't personally know this old lady, all I know now is that she stays on one of the floors above my house, and even that I am not entirely sure. However, when she smiled at me, a cuddly warmth filled my heart because she looked so appreciative that I held the lift door open for her. When people say a picture paints a thousand words, it is true, but I guess that means that a smile paints ten thousand then? And smiles go a long way too (: It is definitely difficult to explain, but all the urgency to get home vanished in just that instant, replaced by a certain contentedness that I don't usually feel. Thank you to this old lady that brightened up my lethargic Monday with your warmth and happiness. I hope to bump into you again.

And also a side note to self, don't judge a book by its cover, don't judge people based on physical appearances and first impressions. Have a great week ahead all! :D

Belated New Year

Here's my promised New Year post! Haha actually wrote out a long long chunk of words, but in the end, I decided to delete it and just post a short one for all of you to read. Shouldn't be too long-winded in the start of a brand new year right? I hope 2013 was a really good and meaningful year for all of you out there!

Written on 3rd January 2014, 
Reflections. 

2013 was a year of ups and downs for me, there were happy moments and sad moments, there were ridiculous moments and just a lot of in between nua-ing moments doing absolutely nothing and pondering on life. What I found different was how 2013 seemed to pass by so quickly. Everything just seemed to happen one after the other and in the libnk of an eye, I was counting down to a new year, in the place I was so familiar with and in the company of my loved ones. That being said, I feel last year was really a period of growth for me, in so many areas and I really learn to thank God for the situations He put me in.

At the beginning of 2013, everyone was busy making resolutions, except me. I figured that since I never fulfilled my resolutions anyway, I would just welcome the year without any sort of goal setting whatsoever. Then, a few days into 2013, I stumbled upon an image:

And I found it pretty cool and made a decision to follow through it. I know it is probably even more challenging than making resolutions, but I am so pleased to say that I have done it! 365 days, several hundred slips of colorful paper, and a physical record of the happy moments that happened every single day. It was really tough some days, I felt so tired but now I look back and I'm glad I have something that embodies the year in words so well. 

Throughout the year, thoughts regarding my future emerged time and again. I have mentioned before that I am someone who really fears uncertainty, and every time someone questions me about my immediate plans after graduation, I am at a loss for words. In the event that I will most probably be graduating in 6 months time, this question has been magnified a thousand times. Honestly, I am still unclear about what is in store for me, be it in terms of a career, in terms of relationships and friendships, and also fulfilling life goals in general, but I have to admit that I am scared, but at the same time, I am really anticipating what is to come. I was talking to God one night, and He revealed to me that 2014 is going to be a year in which great things will happen. A really close friend shared with me the same revelation a few days before 2013 ended, and hence, I will really throw in 100% effort to trust God for the future.

Of course, I want to thank all the people in my life for walking through 2013 with me. As I grow old(er), I know that my emotions have become much more unpredictable and there were so many times I just didn't feel in the mood to talk, but you guys still stuck by me. For this sole reason (and countless more), I am greatly appreciative from the bottom of my heart.  

I will remember everything I have done last year, be it minor things, major life decisions, every tear cried and every smile. From weekly Masterchef and Junior Masterchef nights (Thank you Rachel for squealing with me over cute contestants ^^) to relaxing more than I ever intended to during the December break (Watching Bang Bang Tang oldschool videos on replay from day till night), falling helplessly in love with a country and having such a strong desire to return for the first time (I will be back for you, Taiwan) to all the cafe, restaurant, kopitiam and gelato dates with my dear friends and family, to watching a fair number of musicals with le best friend (Thank you Vanessa, I hope we continue watching musicals together well until we are really old), to staying back in school every single night nearing the examination period (A first for me, never desired to work so hard in the area of academics before), to countless bus rides and walks home alone late at night (Which I will always, always treasure because I know that I could never get those days back again). I have experienced so much love and care in 2013, I would not trade the world for any experience I have gone through.

Once again, thank you 2013 for the memories. 

That being said, may 2014 be a jolly good year for all of us! 

A new year, A new start

Happy New Year everybody! 

I initially planned to do a reflection of 2013 on New Year's Day itself, but I fell sick, and spent NY's Day sleeping haha. Reflection post will come up sometime during this week, after I gather my thoughts and pen them down. 

Last night was Chosen Gen's Vision Night 2014, and it was a good way to start the year and get priorities back on track for me. In 2014, I strive to make Jesus Lord of my life. Not just in a particular area, but in ALL areas. Admittingly, it is difficult for me to commit all aspects of my life to God, because I am someone who likes to see immediate results according to my own plan. This year, I will take a step back and listen earnestly to what God wants for my life, no matter how challenging it might be. 

I have always been afraid of uncertainty. It's an indescribable fear which I'm sure has troubled countless other people as well. I know that 2014 is going to be an uncertain and unpredictable year, because of current circumstances that I'm facing. However, I also know that 2014 is going to be an unforgettable year because amazing things are going to happen. And because of that, I know that whatever happens, God is in control and He is at work. Turning uncertainty into assurance is more than a scary thing, but with the Father by my side, I will trust that everything turns out fine. 

Dear Jesus, please be Lord of my life this 2014.    

#30daychallenge Day 12

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! ^^

The Christmas spirit bug hit me a few days ago, and I was in the mood to write a story, and so doing, resume my hiatus from my #30daychallenge blogging. I know (for the millionth time) that I haven't been doing this faithfully, but I promise I will try! December has been a really busy month for me, so hope that you who are reading this understands!

Anyway I shall not go on and on like an old hag! Shall leave all of you with this short Christmas story, am actually really excited to share it with you all even though it may not be up to standards. Your biggest present to me would be to show some support and read on =P Haha!

#30daychallenge Day 12
A Special Christmas Post!
"The Heart of Christmas"

Faith sat by the sandbox at the playground she used to frequent since she was a kid. Between her fingers she fiddled with an item of gold, it's shiny color glinting in the late afternoon sun. Finally, she had waited all week for the sun to come out from its hiding place among the clouds, providing some warmth to the otherwise cold winter season. There was nothing better than experiencing the shining sun on your back while being able to spot pure white snow on the ground at the same time. Faith smiled to herself, her favorite time of the year was here again.

Santa isn't real. The little girl repeated to herself silently after being chided by her mother earlier that morning. Faith wanted that puppy so badly. She had been watching TV and the actor had announced with glee, “As long as you tell Santa Claus your wishes, he will surely grant it to all you good children!” Faith had been so excited, she talked to Santa every single night before she fell asleep for an entire month. Christmas Eve, she got up extra early, rushed down the stairs two at a time, dashed to the Christmas tree, her eyes spotting that one big package that was waiting for her. She ripped open the package full of anticipation, only to see a toy unicorn that could blink its beady black eyes. Disappointment swelled within her and tears started to form. That Christmas Eve, Faith wasn't happy at all. Santa Claus wasn't real and wishes didn't come true.

Faith wiped her tears away as she heard a knock on the front door. Sniffing, she opened the door to find her beloved grandmother standing on the porch, wrapped in a maroon scarf and wearing a big grin on her face. Faith instantly brightened, her grandmother stayed at the other end of the city and hardly came to visit! Faith pulled her grandmother's hand, urging her to come into the house and away from the cold. As grandma unwound her scarf, she gazed fondly at Faith.

“Someone's been crying, I see! Tell grandma what can possibly make my princess sad on this happy occasion?” And Faith poured out her story, dismay evident in her voice. She was puzzled when grandma gave her a bemused look, and then laughed. Why did grandma find it funny? It wasn't!

“Oh, my dear. Santa Claus isn't real, that's true. But just because of that, would you hate Christmas? It's your favorite holiday after all.” Faith gave her grandma's words some thought. She loved Christmas. Why? And then she began to understand. Santa Claus didn't define Christmas. Santa Claus wasn't even that big a part of why she loved Christmas.

She loved playing in the knee-deep snow. She loved building snowmen and snow castles out in the front garden. She loved how she and her mother would put up the Christmas tree and dig up all the shiny baubles to hang on the shedding branches. She loved waking up on Christmas Eve morning and spotting all the presents below the tree, but more than that, she loved how all the family would sit beside the tree, tearing wrapping paper apart and appreciating their gifts together, and then having a paper ball fight afterwards. She loved that grandma came to visit and always gave her that loving smile which made her feel fuzzy inside. And most of all, she loved the feeling of warmth and comfort when the entire family sat down to eat dinner together on the evening of Christmas day itself. Her brother would give her the biggest portion of turkey knowing that was her favorite Christmas food. And after that, her parents would specially come up to her room, clear all the presents she had received off her bed, sit by her side and give her a goodnight kiss. These were all the reasons why she loved Christmas, not some silly Santa Claus.

“And besides, who needs Santa Claus when you have your grandma?” Grandma's smiled seemed to have broadened, as she pulled something from behind her back. Faith was eager to see what her grandma had brought her, and her spirits lifted just that little bit. Grandma handed her a package wrapped in red wrapping paper, and Faith could hardly contain her excitement as she tore off the paper. Before her eyes was a box of Ferero Rocher. Faith was confused, why had her grandma get her a box of chocolates? She could get them at the snack store just a street away from her house anytime.

“Why, grandma?” Faith asked, her eyes wide with curiosity.

“Do you know that Ferero Rocher has many layers? After eating the first layer of almond-coated chocolate, we then go on to eat the biscuit wafer, which covers the hardened milk chocolate layer, and beneath that, at the center of it all, is the walnut. Christmas is just like a Ferero Rocher, with many layers to it. When we think of Christmas, we think of material things like presents, Christmas trees, turkey and log cakes. All these make up the outer layers of what Christmas means. But when we look beyond all of that, we see that there is actually more. All that you mentioned before, the fuzzy feeling you get when the family sits down to dinner, the satisfaction you get when building snowmen in the snow, the way your face lights up when you open the door and see me standing in front of you in the winter cold, and likewise, the warmth I feel when I see you too, all these are the core of Christmas. When you eat the chocolate, remember what I've told you today my dear, and remember what Christmas truly means to you.”

Faith listened intently, nodding in agreement as her grandma spoke to her tenderly. She got it now. It didn't matter if there wasn't any Santa Claus with his flying reindeer. It didn't even matter if she didn't get her puppy wish granted this time. Her Christmas wish had come true. The heart of Christmas had come to her.

18^th December 2013

______________________________________________________________

Maybe you might be questioning : Why Ferero Rocher? 

Actually the above story is inspired by something very personal to me, but to explain it means to launch into another long-winded story altogether. All I shall summarize is that even though everyone is so caught up in buying gifts for loved ones and other various preparations during this festive season, let us not be too carried away by the commercialization of this holiday period to forget the true meaning of Christmas: That God so loved the world He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for our sins. And in doing so, He has displayed His great love for all of us on earth. In the same way, let's remember to pay it forward and show our love to the people around us as well! Without love, there won't be any Christmas season in the first place. 

Blessed holidays everyone! ^^

Piece Of Winter

I want to eat ice cream while walking down snow-lined pavements in the evening, watching the sun set and never having to worry about the ice cream melting because it won’t

I want to wake up on a chilly winter morning, look out of the window and see the first snowflakes leaving their delicate imprints on the glass.

I want to drive across a bridge spanning the river, watching the waves lap gently against the stone walls, watching people jog along the canals wearing track pants and pullovers instead of singlets and running shorts, because the weather is too cold and freezing.

I want to stop in the middle of some crowded street, watching live band performances on a makeshift stage along with random people I don’t know, halfway across the world, all decked in down-feather jackets and scarves and beanies, forming little puffs of air when they breathe out the cold winter air and bobbing their heads to the pop music altogether.

I want to do the things I did several years ago, and I want to do them in an unfamiliar environment that is not hot, forever-sunny Singapore. Piece of winter, why am I not part of your world right now? ):

Missing Korea too much, too much.