Timepieces

As time passes, do some things start to lose significance to an individual? When I was a child, I remember having this 101 dalmatians stuffed toy that I loved like no tomorrow, I would bring it to meals, bring it out shopping, bring it downstairs when me and my brother went to the playground, and of course, bring it to bed with me at the end of the day. Slowly, from a new soft toy with plush fur, it became reduced to something with matted, blackish fur, and didn’t look as clean and huggable as it used to. But being a kid, I still loved it all the same. I screamed and cried and threw a huge tantrum when we shifted houses and my mother tossed it in the trash, like it was, literally, rubbish. I was angry, but as a kid, I wasn’t angry for long. My mother bought me new stuffed toys, and I was satisfied once again.

But when something you are emotionally attached to, in the case of the stuffed toy, is physically gone, does it mean the memory of it will disappear with time as well? I disagree. Memories fade, yes they do, but they don’t completely disappear. Rather, I believe that good/bad memories seem to be tucked away somewhere in a dusty corner at the back of all our minds. At times when we want to open this door to access certain parts of this enclave, everything starts to pour out as well, and we end up having a hard time shutting them back in. I would call it a periodical routine because it happens quite often.. although it shouldn’t.

The substance that lays behind this door of memories though, is seemingly starting to shrink in expanse, it’s something I can’t explain but something that I definitely feel. I guess going round and round talking about stuffed toys and doors and memories is just to prove a point for myself. Something that holds great meaning for me is fading in terms of its importance in my life. Maybe last time, you were important to me, even to the point of being indispensable. But now, I don’t need you anymore. I’ve managed to beat this stupid monster that has been getting me down all the time for the past half a year, and maybe I’m beginning to show definite signs of recovery.

Even magnets lose their magnetism after a period of time, that’s pretty much the gist of my rambling.

August 24th, 2011.

Change

‘Change is the only constant’. We always hear people say this, but... Really?

I was reading through my old blogs, what attracted and amazed me most were all my password protected posts on Wordpress. I see the me a few years ago. And I look at myself now. Circumstances have changed, people have changed, I have changed. For the better or for worse I don’t really know, maybe it’s a mix of both.

Then again, how can someone/something stay constant all their life? Even water moves doesn’t it? In the form of ripples caused when there are disturbances. There’s been many disturbances in my life, some good some bad. And right where I stand now, I don’t like all this. I’m teaching my primary school kid about adaptations now, but ironically, can humans truly adapt at all? Or do we just push the bad experiences and memories aside, force ourselves to continue with life? Because that’s how it seems for me.

Almost every night the past haunts me. Like a broken record, I’ve said one too many a time. And there’s no way to stop the mental images and that’s what scares me the most. That I have changed, but the past has stayed the same. And will always stay the same. Something to keep you from moving on completely. I spend too much time wanting the past back, trying to find a rewind button to relieve all those feelings again. Then I realise everything’s changed.

Change is the only constant, not so true at all eh.

May 19th, 2011.

Train tracks.

Today I went to JB via railway, the first time I have ever done so. And I must say the journey was, an interesting experience. There’s just something nostalgic and special about seeing a train station, getting into the train, looking outside the windows and seeing train tracks and the scenery. I mean, MRT also can lah, but its just different.

I watched a video on the train to pass time, and it was about how ‘life only has one beginning and one end, and the rest are just a whole lot of middle’ (no prizes for guessing where that quote came from *cough* Glee *cough*).

A journey. From the start till the end, we are on the same train known as life. People come, people go, circumstances change, sometimes the paths are straight, other times they wind left and right, sometimes the destination seems nowhere in sight, sometimes you learn to look from different perspectives, sometimes you feel too rooted and refuse to get out of your comfort zone, sometimes there are sudden jerks which wake us up from certain delusions we might already have.. and the list goes on and on, its never ending.

But does any of it matter? If I were on a real train as of now, I would describe the process being a major roller-coaster ride all this while. It’s gone up, gone down, twisted and turned so many ways I can’t even remember where I actually got on. The end seems far as well, I don't know when this will end, but I know I’m safe. That I wont fall off and die because God has a plan. And it’s definitely not the end even things have been feeling so crappy nowadays. I’m curious to know whats gonna hit next, but I’m apprehensive at the same time. Let’s just say, I’m extra afraid of disappointments and getting hurt, yet I want to know what's in store for me all the same. 

Ironic, I say.