It's been a long time since I last summoned up enough energy to utilize this space.. but I want to write the following post so that I never forget the feeling that I'm feeling now. Honestly this week has been eventful.. from feeling at my lowest and horriblest to feeling fulfilled and content, everything came wrapped up like a package with a big bow for me.
Half of the week saw me shrouded in feelings of helplessness because things were just going further and further downhill at work. Disobedient kids, noisy kids, kids that gave up, and amongst this chaos, kids who were actually genuine and wanted so much to learn. Trying desperately to find that balance of teaching effectively and managing the more difficult classes proved to be a huge challenge and I failed not once, but twice. Trying to control the students and make them interested in what I had to deliver was far from successful and again and again I wanted to cry and just give everything up. I never, ever want to experience what I experienced again this week, but I know that such difficult situations will present itself once again to me. Still trying to help the various different personalities in any given class, but I am struggling more than I expected to. Is this good? Does this mean I'm being tested and forced to step out of my comfort zone? If so, then my prayers were answered and I am learning to be independent. But then again, the fear at the back of my mind resurfaces again, would I be able to achieve what I intended to, or would everything backfire on me and make me sink further underwater? I need more guidance, but right now I am unable to see it. Am praying, hoping for the best in the coming weeks, I really hope that I can overcome this.
As there were sucky periods of time where I really just wanted to pull all my hair out and wrap myself in a blanket and never come out, there were also gaps in between that made me take steps forward and face reality bravely. I am blessed so much, blessed with lovely colleagues who smile at me in the walkways, colleagues who offer their listening ears to me even though they have a mountain load of work to clear themselves, colleagues who specially saved food for me when I was out for competitions and hadn't eaten anything the whole day, all these small kind gestures make me really encouraged to press on and not be hindered by whatever. Makes me want to be a better person and try that little bit harder to be more like them. I am just starting out but these people are really an inspiration and motivation to me. I can't be more thankful, really.
Initially, I complained because I had to stay back and check on my form class after school as they were decorating their classroom and wanted some sort of guidance. Why couldn't I just go home and catch up on much-needed sleep? I intended to just go for an hour or so and then speed out of school as fast as I could, but in the end, I stayed three hours to talk to some of the kids. And I don't regret my decision at all. I watched them make beautiful pieces of art with just their hands and creative minds, I listened as they shared with me completely random things, even more stupidly random videos, and saw how happy they were when they interacted with one another. Made me feel like I was in secondary school all over again. Amidst all these, they shared some more serious things on their hearts with me, and I am glad that they trust me enough to have the courage to tell me all this.
"Ms Lee, now you're talking to us not as our teacher, but as our friend, okay?" And my heart swelled with warmth because these kids are so young yet they are so genuine with their words and thoughts. Sometimes, I need to stop being so caught up with all that is happening, take a step back and learn to think like these kids. They see the positive even when rubbish is thrown at them. And that is something that I admire. Thank you to my lovely class kids, I'm really starting to warm up to each and every one of you. My three hours couldn't have been more well-spent, and I just want to remember this Friday chillout session for as long as I can.
Thank You to God for holding my hand and standing by my side even when all I wanted to do was to pity myself and avoid this whole difficult situation. Now I see that it is not the way I should go, and I know You want me to face up to my fears and be brave in my actions. I will try my best, I will get out of this whirlwind, and when I am able to brush all these behind me, I will know that You are the one working a miracle in my life. I have doubted You countless times as a result of my own despair and I am sorry. I see that in even the most horrid situations, You still love me and You have provided a silver lining in every dark cloud that passes by. I cannot say how much I am grateful for that. I will be stronger, and this is not the end.
Counting my blessings, and trying hard.
