Remembrance

How difficult is it to find balance on a seesaw that is built to slant towards the right or the left? And then again, how difficult is it to maintain that balance once you have figured out an inkling of it?

I find myself cherishing every moment more and more and I know I need to control my feelings but this is not working out how I want it to.. abd if things ever go more haywire than it already is, I want myself to remember, at least, before having to let go.

I treasure every moment you came to find me, even if it were without words, even if just a few words were exchanged, even if you were just passing by. You dont say much but your presence is enough. It is a respite even.

I treasure every effort you made to make me feel better, even if it was unintentional on your part. Thank you for constantly giving me tidbits, for buying food for me , for asking if I have eaten. Its not much and it may not even mean anything but I am grateful really.

I treasure your thoughtfulness, even if it is towards everybody, I think you are a good person and I am glad for you as a friend. Thank you for waiting for the bus with me whenever you could, for helping me check bus timings, for helping me figure out the fastest way to get to certain places, for just walking with me, its comforting to have your presence next to me.

Theres so many more things I can list out, that I can express thanks on this platform for, but a part of me asks myself; what is the use? Because I know I will never dare to say all this to you in person abd it defeats the purpose cos you will never know. But what if you knew then? Would things be worse? Would things be better? I know I cannot risk it but I want to remember all of this. Before it becomes nothing forever.

Thank you for sparing some time for me in your life. I am thankful, really thankful. I dont think I have a right to ask for more, but maybe for now this is more than enough.

糟糕。

我不想让你走。但是我知道继续喜欢你是一种错误。现在怎么办。怎么办。一想到必须把一切放弃好像哭。:(

Mysings #2

One month later, probably nothing has changed. Feelings intensified, but maybe this may not be such a good thing afterall.

Musings.

Is this what I deserve for giving in time and again?

Tonight is exceptionally quiet. The sky is clear, not cloudy, the lights reflect like a mirror on the water's surface. Its supposed to be peaceful, tranquil even, but in my heart and in my mind everything is a mess. I warned myself that this would happen. That things would play out exactly like it did half a year ago. I reminded myself time and again to guard my heart and not lose it in the midst of chaos. Yet I managed to do this again. To take that one step out of safety and into fragile nothingness. And this is exactly what I end up with, nothing but a confused heart. This heart is fearful of venturing out into the unknown again. It is afraid of getting trampled on and thrown away like rubbish again. Yet I sit here and cannot help thinking, what if things played out differently? What if this heart was truly wanted and for once, things did not seem so bleak and unsalvageable? But deep down I know it is wishful thinking. It has always been wishful thinking. People come, people go, people leave footprints, yet I try to gather the sand that those footprints once left its mark on. Even when I know the waves will come and wash it all away in the end. And now I sit here and wonder, just how much more of this disappointment can I take in a lifetime? Maybe things were meant to be this way, maybe I am meant to search and not find, maybe I brought this upon myself. And yet as I sit here and think hard about what I can eo to mend myself and this situation, I com3 up with absolutely nothing. I want to remember the feelings I have now. I want to feel the impact so hard that when the same thing happens again, I will think twice and not give this heart away so easily. I want to remember this confusion that I feel. And as badly as I want things to turn out for the better, as of now in this present moment I find that I cannot. And a small quiet voice still lingers at the back of my mind; I told you so. I told you so. I told you so. I really wanted this to work out. I did. But maybe fear got in the way. Maybe it is the wrong time. Maybe it is the wrong person even. Who will ever know now. As I sit here at this platform tonight, I will remember these tears that accompany these thoughts. Maybe, just maybe this is for the better. But I know this is not what I want. This is far from what I want. I want you but forget it. Forget it.

Round

I knew that if I even let one single thought pass by this wall built up painstakingly, that I would regret it.

I knew that if I let my thoughts run awry and all over the place, things would turn out like it had previously. And previously. And previously.

I knew that if I did not guard my heart properly, it would result in many sleepless nights and worrying days, characterized by distractions and then frustrations.

I knew that if I did not try to control this, that I would be the one left to pick up the pieces. Because control is subjective and I choose to believe that nobody around me knows what I am going through.

I knew that if I went ahead and entertained these persisting thoughts, I would need to deal with the consequences sooner or later. And it proved to be the former rather than the latter.

So can anybody tell me why, despite knowing all the trouble I would incur because of this foolishness, I chose to go ahead with it anyway?

Futile results, only things left now are even more unanswered questions.

And yet the mind can only respond "I told you so. I told you so. I told you so." What am I to do now?

Repeat

Everytime it starts out the same

Everytime I am tempted to venture further

Everytime I get caught up in a tangle

Everytime it does not end well

This time will not be like every other time

I will keep a distance

I will not fall

I will not think.

Whisked away

I don't know why all these old feelings are coming back but maybe its a sign that I am becoming freer and not so stressed up.

Reminder to self; when you closed the door to that temporary room, you left all these feeling and memories behind. You locked it and got rid of the key so that the emotions would not come back. And you will stick to this decision and not regret anything that has or has not been done. And more importantly, you will not start digging up old dirt to try finding out the truth because it will not do anyone any good.

So many questions, all unanswered, but I don't want to go back there. Move on, didn't they say?

22:22

回来可以吗?

I dont know.

I think I havent felt these feelings in a long time. Yet when the feelings come back I cant get rid of it no matter how much I try. It latches on to me and wont let go of me and honestly I dont know how long more I can withstand this.
表面上一切都过的很好。但每个晚上我躺在床上，我第一个而也是最候一个想到的是你。如果你知道你有一天会离开， 会从我的世界消失， 那为什么你偏偏还要留下一个影像呢? 你让我欣赏你， 我每天跟你聊聊， 听到你的喜怒哀乐，是变成了一种习惯。你为什么要把一切都搞砸了， 剩下我一个人在这里收拾剩下的记忆呢? 这根本就不公平。 我已经试试把你的镜头和关于你的回忆都抹干净，但我始终还是没办法做得到。留下来的影像果然是太深刻了，你要我怎么当着什么都没发生过? 我做不到。但是我知道我我一定要把你忘掉。因为你走了你再也不会回来了， 我也没理由呆在这里等你。我真希望一切都没有发生过。如果我知道会是这样的结果， 那一天我就不会提起我所有的勇气更你说那句话。也许这一切都是活该。我应该知道。现在太迟了，我说什么都没用算了吧。反正已经习惯了。习惯就好吧。再见， 你不用再浪费时间更我沟通了。

Another goodbye.

Been waiting quite a long time to write this post and have been in a reflective mood the past few weeks. Shall just type what comes to mind and hopefully this post is at least coherent to myself, if not to anyone else. Six months have passed and I am currently here, waiting to enter another chapter of my life. But I know that before I proceed to do that, I must close the door to the current chapter first. It has been nothing short of a whirlwind for the past half a year, so, so much has happened and honestly I don't know where to start thinking. I realize I always tend to do this, take everything around me for granted and then at the very last minute when I have to leave, I start wishing I had done a little bit more, perhaps put in a little bit more effort to ensure that I have no regrets. Not regrets in the true sense of the word, but I wish I would have done things just slightly differently.

I remember when I was embarking on this chapter, I was not looking forward to it at all. There were so many nights of worrying and complaining and wishing I didn't have to leave my comfort zone, yet in the end I still had to. There were many firsts for me in the past six months, and thinking of them makes me feel fuzzy on the inside amidst all the rush and chaos that seems to be building up around me. I got used to contract teaching and my students, my work was so routinized and my position was so comfortable that I was really reluctant to give it all up. But then in a matter of weeks I was forced to say goodbye to my students and my colleagues and travel all the way west to be a student instead of the teacher once again. I was not ready, and I was really scared. Being someone that takes ages to warm up and adapt to a new environment, I really hate to leave something comfortable and move to something totally new, make new friends, do new things. I think somehow I just am not cut out for it. I traveled across Singapore but thankfully I had a hall to stay in temporarily. And now looking back, I am thankful that I had this chance to stay on campus instead of commuting back and forth everyday, I think that would have drove me absolutely crazy. I am thankful for the best roommate I could ever ask for. Our room was so spacious and I think if I had to live in it alone I would have been quite edgy all the time. I will remember hall life (even though we didn't really have much of a fun hall life). It's playing clearly in my mind now and I cannot help but smile at the thought. We could just walk back to hall everyday after class and take naps while other people had to while away their time in the library. The sky was always bluest right before evening, and the irregularity of the shuttle buses pissed us off so often that most of the time we just walked back and forth from hall to NIE. We were sick of school food and deciding where to eat everyday, dragged our feet to Hall 2 nearby to eat chicken rice and western food, yet I looked forward to every meal with you because there was always something to talk/bitch about haha. And I will always remember stargazing at the top of ADM that night, when everything was peaceful and we tried to find the meteor shower in the sky but failed badly. Then we had heart to heart talks while trying to ignore the couples around us, and it was just such a good time. We had numerous lizards in hall and we even succeeded in killing one, although we had to ask the security guard to clean it up for us afterwards. I am thankful that for every bimbotic moment I had, you were there to share it with me. When I complained too much, you were there to listen and you were always always patient with me. Thank you for moving my stuff into hall with me and also helping me pack up and move out too. Overall I really don't know how to thank you except to be so honoured that I can call you my friend. I will remember hall only because you were such a big part of that experience. <3

I was really apprehensive of school because everybody around me seemed to be so smart and capable, and honestly I felt quite small all the time. But thank God for giving me the best classmates/school mates I could ask for these past 6 months. I have never met such a bunch of enthusiastic and passionate people, and thank you all for always being patient with me and taking time out to explain to me things that I do not know. I always ask stupid questions but no one ever got angry or irritated with me and I am really thankful for that as well. I tried to make friends as much as I could, and I am so glad I found friends who are encouraging and spur me on all the time. Thank you Syahirah, Nisaa and Seekei, you three are the people I have really warmed up to in the past few months and I am thankful that we have crossed paths. I know I may bitch alot but that's because I trust you all so much <3 I hope that the friendships that have been formed will not disappear after we all leave school.

Honestly, NIE has  been stressful because all the assignments were crammed into a short space of time, but looking back and seeing how I am now here, cleared of most assignments and moving onto practicum, makes me kinda proud of myself even though I know the results will not be fantastic. I have lost sight of whats important over the course of time, but yet I see that God has always steered me back in the right direction and I remember praying at the start of the semester that I didn't want to face all this alone. And I'm so thankful that indeed God answers prayers because I think never once was I alone in this journey. And even though I have had nervous breakdowns in the past week because of another bout of uncertainty and unsureness about the near future, I know that I won't be alone either. Thank You God for letting me see your wondrous love for me even though I have taken it for granted again and again. I never thought I would say this but I will miss the life that I have lived and its difficult to adjust to another kind of life but I will try. All the best for everyone going for practicum, I hope these 10 weeks will be educational for everyone!