Bells

Today is Christmas Day andnthisnis my favourite part of the year because it is so festive and everyone seems a tad bit happier.
But this year seems different because there has been a weight on my heart that doesnt seem to be able to be lifted noatter how hard I try. Mind is wandering and emotions are fluctuating so often it kinda seems like the norm already, what can I do?
Then again this Christmas has been different. I remember I used to anticipate sending texts to everybody in my contact list back when we still used SMS instead of whatsapp, the novelty of that is more or less gone now since there seems like no point to flood everybodys inboxes. Or maybe its just cos I have drifted away from people so the point is gone. Whatever I do its difficult to find the positive and I really am kinda worried.
What has become of me?
Wanting things I cant have and pushing away things that I already am blessed enough to own. I dont want this and I am afraid. Having a battle inside my mind almost daily has probably taken its toil on me, I am exhausted. I know I can spend my time more meaningfully, but where is that push to give me a headstart? I can find none.
Not ready for 2016 to start, not in this frame of mind.
If only things played out differently and if only I did things differently, maybe I wouldnt be regretting so much now.
The rest of 2015, please show me some magic and chances, I think I really need a dose.

Snowprints

Everybody seems to be going places, mapping out their lives, belonging to somewhere. What about me? There certainly seems like there is no more place for me. Cant fit in and dont know how to fit in. Coupled with this massive jumble of knots in the heart, I dont know how to trudge on. But I know I have to and move forward I will. Just wish I didnt have to do it alone.