Is this what I deserve for giving in time and again?
Tonight is exceptionally quiet. The sky is clear, not cloudy, the lights reflect like a mirror on the water's surface. Its supposed to be peaceful, tranquil even, but in my heart and in my mind everything is a mess. I warned myself that this would happen. That things would play out exactly like it did half a year ago. I reminded myself time and again to guard my heart and not lose it in the midst of chaos. Yet I managed to do this again. To take that one step out of safety and into fragile nothingness. And this is exactly what I end up with, nothing but a confused heart. This heart is fearful of venturing out into the unknown again. It is afraid of getting trampled on and thrown away like rubbish again. Yet I sit here and cannot help thinking, what if things played out differently? What if this heart was truly wanted and for once, things did not seem so bleak and unsalvageable? But deep down I know it is wishful thinking. It has always been wishful thinking. People come, people go, people leave footprints, yet I try to gather the sand that those footprints once left its mark on. Even when I know the waves will come and wash it all away in the end. And now I sit here and wonder, just how much more of this disappointment can I take in a lifetime? Maybe things were meant to be this way, maybe I am meant to search and not find, maybe I brought this upon myself. And yet as I sit here and think hard about what I can eo to mend myself and this situation, I com3 up with absolutely nothing. I want to remember the feelings I have now. I want to feel the impact so hard that when the same thing happens again, I will think twice and not give this heart away so easily. I want to remember this confusion that I feel. And as badly as I want things to turn out for the better, as of now in this present moment I find that I cannot. And a small quiet voice still lingers at the back of my mind; I told you so. I told you so. I told you so. I really wanted this to work out. I did. But maybe fear got in the way. Maybe it is the wrong time. Maybe it is the wrong person even. Who will ever know now. As I sit here at this platform tonight, I will remember these tears that accompany these thoughts. Maybe, just maybe this is for the better. But I know this is not what I want. This is far from what I want. I want you but forget it. Forget it.
