Bells

Today is Christmas Day andnthisnis my favourite part of the year because it is so festive and everyone seems a tad bit happier.
But this year seems different because there has been a weight on my heart that doesnt seem to be able to be lifted noatter how hard I try. Mind is wandering and emotions are fluctuating so often it kinda seems like the norm already, what can I do?
Then again this Christmas has been different. I remember I used to anticipate sending texts to everybody in my contact list back when we still used SMS instead of whatsapp, the novelty of that is more or less gone now since there seems like no point to flood everybodys inboxes. Or maybe its just cos I have drifted away from people so the point is gone. Whatever I do its difficult to find the positive and I really am kinda worried.
What has become of me?
Wanting things I cant have and pushing away things that I already am blessed enough to own. I dont want this and I am afraid. Having a battle inside my mind almost daily has probably taken its toil on me, I am exhausted. I know I can spend my time more meaningfully, but where is that push to give me a headstart? I can find none.
Not ready for 2016 to start, not in this frame of mind.
If only things played out differently and if only I did things differently, maybe I wouldnt be regretting so much now.
The rest of 2015, please show me some magic and chances, I think I really need a dose.

Snowprints

Everybody seems to be going places, mapping out their lives, belonging to somewhere. What about me? There certainly seems like there is no more place for me. Cant fit in and dont know how to fit in. Coupled with this massive jumble of knots in the heart, I dont know how to trudge on. But I know I have to and move forward I will. Just wish I didnt have to do it alone.

Ice

Maybe some part of me wants to remember today. Maybe months from now I want to remember this date and see what happen and then see what changed. Probably nothing would have changed and I dont want to hope for more but somtimes the mind works in overdrive and the heart is just abit more active. Idk whether what was said would materialize and I shall refrain from thinking because it serves no purpose. Need some clarity and direction and I know that somehow You will provide. Like how You always provide. Need a listening ear tonight and need some sleep but nobody is around and somehow silence can be quite defeaning as well. I know I am babbling but strangely I find comfort in this. And maybe I just want to remain status quo and not complicate my life. Then again one small part of me is wishing that things can change. How far and to what extent I am unclear but is this what You really want for my life? Let things ppay out in the next few weeks I guess.

Balance

At the end of the day I know my mind will once again travel back to this place, those nights, it will travel through every corner and road I have crossed, and it will wander away again.

I dont know whats in store but I know. it is only when I leave that I will see the significance of it all. Things have changed quite alot and I am very thankful.

Memory.

Today I went back to Ngee Ann Secondary. Hiw I miss that place so much even though its only been a matter of months since I left. Maybe I can say that just for this afternoon time stopped and I forgot all about the deadlines and assignments and meetings, and when I was in the school compound, it was like how it was before.

Finally I understand what it means to be unfamiliar in a familiar setting. Much has changed yet actually everything is still the same as it was. And maybe its only when you leave something dear to you that you always feel that you want to return and continue like nothing has ever happened.

I miss school.

3 months in

It's been about 3 months since life changed for me. From working an average of 12 hours a day and being exhausted to being put into a school environment, writing essays, doing assignments, adapting to being the student instead of the teacher again. Yet, I find myself getting more tired, more exhausted, more out of energy and everything just seems to be going downhill, downhill, downhill. Yes I have more time, its up to me to use that 24 hours a day however I want. For this short period of a few months, I am not confined to a school timetable, rushing to classes and skipping lunches in the process, being infuriated with my students on some days, being amused and feeling like I would give up anything just to spend some time with them on other days, yet I feel more stifled and suffocated than ever. It's been tough, really tough if I must admit and while I am still readjusting to sleeping at 2am every night, something I haven't done the past one year at all, I often find my mind wondering just how much more of this I can take.

Being plucked from an environment I was just getting settled into and dumped into another fast-paced one, I truthfully don't know how to adapt. Amidst all this chaos and rush, I miss my students. I miss my colleagues and for the most part of the week I miss my home and my bed. Being confined to the west, NTU, NIE and hall has probably taken its toll on me. And its gotten worser the past few weeks. At wits' end I questioned God and why He was doing this to me and why my life was so miserable, and perhaps I felt that pushing everything I once held dear to me was a way in which I could enforce some control over my wildly flailing emotions but I don't know, things don't seem to get better.

Today I went for service but my mind wandered far away throughout worship, as it often does now subconsciously. I remember the church was singing "In Christ Alone"and I felt something I haven't in the last few months. I saw people worshipping without restraint and I asked myself why they could feel so free even though they might have troubles weighing down their souls too? Maybe I was too tired to register but I cannot explain this feeling, except that I know it was a good one. My troubles are not just my own, and I think I have taken that for granted too much. If I can let the things of the world pull me this far away from You, then what does that say about the place You have in my life? Maybe I just haven't been making the effort, maybe I have purposely pushed this away so it would seem my problems, magnified, would be the only important thing, maybe it just felt good to wallow in self-pity and complaint for a while. But in doing this I know I have broken Your heart, because while I asked You to hold my hand and guide me through all of this, I was the one who let go time and again. And I am sorry. I know I will still feel this tiredness, I will still face all these challenges and internal struggles within me as long as I am here, but I need, need to be reminded that I'm here for a purpose. And instead of focusing on myself, I promise to focus on You and Your goodness. Time to look on the bright side no matter how difficult it will be, I will force myself to see the goodness You have embedded in this journey for me. And hopefully, just maybe, things will get better. Thank You for jolting me up from my daydream/nightmare.

What heights of love
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled
When strivings cease
My comforter, my all in all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Ink fades but it was once written before.

The best thing that happened to me this week was going stargazing randomly at night with the roomie. This is the first time I ever went stargazing and had the patience to sit in the same spot for 2 hours facing the black expanse of sky before me and not feeling the urge to give up halfway. 

It already seems like the next few months at NIE will be super overwhelming in terms of workload and projects and assignments, same like how it was when I was in NUS, but one thing that I'm determined to do is to remind myself regularly that I must make the most out of it. Especially since I have regrets that I wish I had at least tried to fulfill in NUS but now I can no longer do so. I don't think I wanna make the same mistake again, and now I only have less than half a year here, I want to immerse myself fully and do my best in everything. And I know that when I finally graduate from here I will miss this place so damn much. Being a student again after working for a year has really forced me to readjust all my priorities once again and to focus on what's most important and meaningful to me. And I wanna practice what I have learnt over the past year. 

As I sat on the ground on such a high point overlooking the entire school, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting on life in general. I know there are a lot of things I should be anxious about, and I should really start planning for the future as everyone says, but sometimes I really do just want to let things take its course, yet at the same time I hope everything will play out right for me. Too many things I want to achieve but I don't know how to go about doing so, and I guess there's no real way to going about doing each of them. Sometimes its frustrating to wait and wait and the thing you're waiting for never comes. 

But with all the thinking and heart to heart talks, I am grateful. Grateful for all the experiences and even the regrets and horrible things that happened along the way, because  my perspectives have undergone so many changes and I see things through a different, more mature lens now I hope. The stars in the sky that day amounted to hundreds, and they looked like someone just scattered them randomly across a black canvas but yet they still formed various patterns that I could barely just pick out. And even in the messy arrangement I still felt like they were meant to be where they were at that instance and that brought about a sense of peacefulness for me. 

I want to remember the experience of sitting there doing absolutely nothing yet being so content and satisfied and I hope one day I can say the same about my life. I hope when I'm looking back at this post I will still remember whats on my mind at this very moment when I'm typing. And hopefully then I will be able to laugh at myself for worrying too much because what I want at this instant has already come true.

Thank You for helping me see the beauty of Your creation and helping me experience all these abstract thought processes. I won't forget. 

Apart

I don't know how I could miss a group of people this dearly.

Since I didn't have classes at Pulau NTU today, I went to support the girls' at their East Zone Tournament Finals. Stupid shoes failed me halfway through the journey in the rain, but when I reached the court, I was hit by a wave of familiarity. Not long ago I brought the girls to this very same court weekly, and to finally be back (even though this time I was not the one accompanying them) invoked lots of feelings within me. Everything was similar, the match, the shouts of encouragement, even the cheeky students who came along to spectate and support their friends, everything was familiar. Yet it was unfamiliar. I am so proud of this group of girls, they may be young, yet seeing them give their all during every single match warms my heart tremendously. At their age, I wasn't half as motivated as them and to see such passion is something really special to me. This time I did not follow them on the bus back to school. And as I parted ways I felt a tinge of sadness because I don't know when will be the next time I see these kids again. I hope its really soon because being apart from them and not seeing them daily makes me realize how much of a void there is in my heart. And yes something is missing ever since I left the school, makes me really wanna consider returning to something I am already so comfortable with.

Nevertheless, it was really good to be able to see my bunch of kiddos today. <3

Turning pages

Haven't found the time to do this until now, although I really wanted to do so earlier because the memories that lay within my mind were fresher. 

As they say, when an old chapter closes, a brand new one opens, and that starts on a fresh page. 

For the past almost one year, I really have been so blessed to be allocated a workplace where I have grown tremendously. I choose to believe that it is always difficult to settle into a routine, yet constantly face new situations while being in that routine. Yet, for the past year I have been granted the opportunity to do just that; and more, with random things cropping up out of nowhere and forcing me to step out of my comfort zone, think on my feet and modify plans entirely to keep up with the circling whirlwind overhead. And now I look back and wonder how I managed to get through all of that, a small part of me still willing to dive head first into what I have experienced and go through it all over again. 

Thank you Ngee Ann Sec for providing me with a conducive environment in which I have learnt (and am still learning) to overcome challenges, raise my tolerance level and go beyond my limits and capabilities. When I entered the school as a fresh graduate, I really was a blur sotong who did not know anything and was kinda timid of what lay ahead of me, but stepping through the school gates on my last day saw me being more confident and eager to experience more in this field. Even as I am in ulu NTU typing this post now, I find myself constantly looking back at the times I have spent in the school, somewhere I have grown comfortable in, somewhere I miss quite dearly. 

Thank you to my colleagues and everybody who crossed paths with my the past year. I think it is another major blessing to work with people who have such passionate hearts, not only for the students, but for the profession as a whole. Everyone has always been so ready to share their experiences with me, and helping me without questions whenever I have doubts or issues to clarify. I appreciate all of you greatly and I hope that if chances permit, I could have the honour to be your colleague in the workplace once again. 

Thank you to my students who have been nothing short of wonderful to me and making my experience as a teacher the most awesome one that I could ask for. I  really had my doubts because I didn't have much experience in handling teenagers, and I have heard so many horror stories of how tough it could be to communicate with this age group of kids, but it turns out that I didn't have any cause for concern. All the kids I have encountered have their own quirks and special characters, some naughtier than the others, but I see how each of them had their own story as well, and I agree more than ever with the saying that there are no such things as bad kids. Yes there are mischievous kids, troublesome kids, quiet kids, but they aren't bad inside. And when I see the ability these students have to care for their peers and the people around them, and the extent to which they can go to show appreciation and gratitude, my heart is immediately warmed. Surely this is one of the milestones that educators work hard for to see being achieved? And I am glad to see that after only being in the profession for a year. 

I think that God has been so good to me this past year, from being a source of comfort in the darkest days just barely a year ago, to being a provider and support in my everyday life now. Things still seem rather surreal and its still difficult to absorb fully what has happened to me thus far. However, I will continue to have faith and may this new chapter be one that is as memorable, as meaningful and will help me to become better in what I do.  So thankful to everybody who has helped me in one way or another, I love you all! <3

Learning Journey

The past 3 days have been an eye opener for me. Too much to say, too little time to consolidate my thoughts, but just to remind myself, I think that its always essential to take some time to reflect on life and backtrack on the steps I have taken once in a while, to ensure I'm moving off in the right direction.

It struck me that some things work in mysterious wonderful ways. It struck me that if I as an individual can show compassion to people, how much more would God be willing to show grace to us? My heart ached more than once for the people I came into contact with. But adding up the tears that had fallen would never be enough to reflect how many thousand times more God's heart was and is still aching for the people around the world. And in the same way, when different people come together to praise God as one, I felt a sense of wonder and pride and gratefulness. And how many thousand times more would God have felt immense love and appreciation as He watched His people gathering to give thanks?

I think I have deviated quite abit these few months. Time to retrace my steps, time to focus on whats important and meaningful. So grateful, so thankful.

Setbacks.

Today I couldn't have felt more dampened in my emotions. Just wanna scream and shout and hope that along with the fading voice in the wind the worries and frustrations will fade as well. Yeah nobody wanted this to happen but it doesn't stop us from feeling horrible and helpless hais.

But today I also saw how my family members were so worried on my behalf and I kinda feel ashamed actually.. especially my father who told me 'If you were stuck in some random country with a pandemic I would be making a thousand calls to get you safely back in Singapore." And I felt so touched because I know that was what he would actually do if that happened to me. Thank you all of you, thank you. Even though I havent been very appreciative and I have in actual fact been so selfish, you all still kept sticking by me and worrying for me. Love you all.

It matters

Whenever I revisit my blogs and reread my posts over again, most of the time the content is so ambiguous that I can barely remember what the topic I was writing about was actually about. And I know this time it probably will be the same. Every flower starts off being a seed, which then slowly germinates and grows under care. I see that something is there, something is budding but it is but a mere opportunity. How to know what comes in the future? I cannot see and I cannot tell for sure, but I know with constant observation and chances this might become something tangible and worth it. Lord, if this is what You intend for my life, may it blossom and bear fruit and be pleasing to You. 

On hindsight, life has been hectic but on the whole, generally good to me. Many setbacks have happened, but at the same time, plentiful blessings of which I will document another time. For a short time now, I have a breather and time to restabilize myself (yay holidays!) and then off I go again to face another chapter of my life. And I am really looking forward to it! But I have also learnt that when one door opens, the other that has been left opened for a pretty long time has to be fully closed, and in my heart I cannot bear to do so just yet.. preparing myself emotionally for the change. I am sure it will be eventful. Thank You God. 

Wtf

Honestly speaking I dont know how you can become a parent man. 

If parent = dumping work on your kid + doing your own things all the time + not bothering to get to know your kids + just simply not putting in effort, then I guess you have fulfilled it with flying colours. No point lah, just no point trying to understand. 

Promising myself over and over again that I will NEVER, EVER in my entire life become somebody like you. Even if this is the only promise I can keep, I will make sure its done. So sick of all this, and witnessing it from a third person perspective make it all the more worse. 

Moonlit nights

On nights like these when the moon is bright, the mind cant help but think just a tad bit more. I took a nap, I woke up, it was 11pm. Thoughts travel back to when I was in school. How things have changed. When I fall asleep early now, I remember how when I was still in school, at this timing I would not even be home. Still travelling on the highway, tired but content with life and just being able to find a seat on the bus lugging my heavy laptop and files of notes would make me more than happy. Yes I had little rest, but I was okay with that. Fast forward to now, sleeping times have increased because even though I do not have a content heavy workload like I did in school, I feel tired all the time.. sometimes I stop and ask myself, what am I doing all this for? Wheres the meaning? I am so afraid one day I will lose sight of this goal, and I really dont want that to ever happen. Nights like these I just want to be transported back to the past, even if its for awhile. Just to live in the moment and maybe feel what I used to feel again. That I had something to look forward to and live for. Its becoming much harder these few days, honestly. But then the world stops for nobody, and if there is a possibility that I can turn back time, who will be there in the past, waiting to re-live those moments again together with me? Perhaps nobody, because everybody has moved on.

Havent drafted a post like this in a long time. I'll admit, doing this once in a while feels so good, probably I need to return here more often. Goodnight world and goodnight blog for being a constant familiarity, something I really need now.

To be great,

Started the first day of Term 2 on a serious, somber note this morning. As a school, we watched the live telecast of Lee Hsien Loong as he addressed the nation on the demise of the late PM Lee. He talked about his father three times, in Malay, Chinese and English. And each time, his eyes grew redder and more teary. It was a heartbreaking sight to watch, really.

As I scroll through social media and everybody is posting RIP tributes and recounts and memories and condolences, I will also take a moment out of my schedule to reflect too. It wasn't so long ago that I read an article online on all the mistakes that the government has made, how we as a nation have failed in searching for progress. I could tolerate the article, there was at least some practical sense to it, constructive criticism? What I could not tolerate were the comments that followed. Made by hundreds of people and seen by hundreds of thousands around the world. Comments made by ordinary people whose raw intentions were to hurt and fan flames to ignite an even bigger fire. It is so, so easy to just type something and share it with others at the press of a button. but maybe it is too easy. It has made people type before thinking, and what results is irrational and totally insensitive comments. Why? Why do we set out to hurt the people around us, and even more so, those we don't even know?

Being a history student for more than a decade, I have sat through class after class of Singapore's history, Singapore's founding figures, Singapore's achievements, Singapore's road to success, Singapore's struggle and hardships. I have also been exposed to classes that look at a Singapore history that can be counted an alternative to the mainstream version; How leaders fail, how leaders may be greedy and make unwise decisions, how leaders have lost crucial support from the masses, how leaders are not altruistic. And more than once, I have been swayed towards these various perspectives, being quick to point fingers and criticize and complain. So much so that I fail to realize that we as a nation have been so fortunate and are so well-off. Yes, leaders have the responsibility of making a good first impression, so they have an added burden to carry themselves well. But when is the line between 'well' and 'perfect' drawn? Leaders, at the end of the day, no matter how great and influential, are still humans. And like all humans, leaders have feelings, leaders have emotions.
When have we gone too far with the name-calling and curses and complaints? Nobody is perfect, but that does not give us any right to discredit peoples' efforts to build up a country. Something that PM Lee Kuan Yew has done throughout most of his life.

For having faith to step out of his comfort zone even though his successful future was guaranteed, for fighting hard when others would rather not be involved, for sticking with unpopular but necessary decisions not caring about what nasty things people said behind his back, for not being perfect but still willing to try till the very end, thank you. Singapore is really a better nation because of your hard work.

Lighthouse Dreams

Been long since I sat down and watched a movie from start to end. Finally managed to do so yesterday with my littlest brother, and had a whale of a time. We watched an animation film called Song of the Sea, and absolutely loved it. All I have been watching recently is bitchy dramas full of over-emphasized situations and emotions, land this felt like a good break away from all of that. Originally a tale that came from a folk legend, illustrated through colourful drawings and enthralling songs, and a touching ending. Simple children's film, but it tugged at the heartstrings. Still feeling snuggly after watching the movie.

Plus point, seals were too adorable throughout the movie. Pretty creatures. 

Spark

In a day that was horrid and left me tired, hungry and hopeless, I remember this conversation that occurred between me and the kids today. 

"So all of you please remember to go find your sources over the March holidays okay? You all can find from online...blah blah... or you can go museum and look around, free one"

"Cher, we go as a class can, all of us go together, save time."

"You all can choose to go as a class, individually, anything. Just remember to find the sources by first week of Term 2."

"But Cher, if we all go together, you must go along and accompany us leh!"

"Why should I, you all so big already, don't tell me you don't know the way there pls. See how, if got time then I go with you all."

This boy, who always talks nonsense in my class "But Cher, it's only considered a class outing if you are with us. You not there, something is missing from our class. You there, then our class is complete ma."

And they continue justifying why I should go along with all of them. 

Probably the best thing that I remember from today. Thank you kids <3

Simplicity at its best.

It's been a while.

Life has been more hectic week after week. Just had possibly the worst week in my working life, but I have come to realize that when the worst happens, so does it get easier to identify the simple but best moments as well. I started the week off on a bad note because weekend marking was a rush and I was in a grumpy mood. All that was on my mind were deadlines, deadlines and more deadlines that I had to meet. No time, no time, no time, I thought to myself as I tried to envision how my week would turn out. Bad, horrible, terrible. When midweek came, I tried something new. I remember someone told me to look at things with positivity, not with negativity. So I tried to focus on the good things, even though I was tired and still grumpy.

Slowly I began to notice the small things.

My students whom I once labelled as 'troublesome' and 'difficult to handle' were manageable. They were the class that brought me much laughter even though I had so much on my mind. They surprised me by not only passing, but excelling in their tests as a class in general, and that was something I didn't expect. I promised a student a few weeks ago that if he scored an A1 (distinction), I would give him a hi five. And when I did, he couldn't stop smiling. That touched my heart so greatly, because while I initially chose to be bitter and focus on ambitious targets that I wanted for the class, what the kids wanted from me as a teacher was so simple, so innocent that it was easy for me to just brush it off and overlook. And when I saw how the students brightened up when I told them how proud I was of them, and I was happy that they did well, inside I felt quite ashamed. Is this what people mean when they say sometimes people are too caught up in the rat race that they block out all semblance of what's important? I promise myself, I will open my eyes more, look around more, observe more, and be appreciative towards the people I am trying to inspire, instead of the mountain piles of work in front of me. Thank you, dear students, for reminding me of what's important.

I have to say again, my colleagues are the nicest bunch of people I have ever met. So extremely thankful for my workplace environment, where everyone is helpful towards each other. I sense the care and concern, and even though I had to stay in school for close to a dozen hours almost everyday  this week, these people made it bearable and kept me from going crazy and that is one of the few aspects I really appreciate about being at work.

Praying for a better, more eventful week ahead. It's finally Week 10 and i am glad. Time flies.

Light of the world, Forever Reign

Tonight was well-spent catch up time with my Crusade DG. Haven't seen the girls in almost a year, time flies man. As I was early (for once), I decided to randomly window shop to while away time. As I walked into this particular shop, my phone suddenly blacked out and restarted itself, so I had to remove my earphones to reset my phone. As I did so, I heard the song that was playing in the shop, and I believe it was You speaking words of encouragement to me.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are truth, You are truth, 
Even in my wandering

Oh I'm running to Your arms, 
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love,
Will always be enough. 

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God,
Of all else I'm letting go. 

Thank You for reassurance time and again, Thank You for speaking into my heart. You are bigger than my troubles, and I will face my giants with You by my side.

Good times bad times.

It's been a long time since I last summoned up enough energy to utilize this space.. but I want to write the following post so that I never forget the feeling that I'm feeling now. Honestly this week has been eventful.. from feeling at my lowest and horriblest to feeling fulfilled and content, everything came wrapped up like a package with a big bow for me.

Half of the week saw me shrouded in feelings of helplessness because things were just going further and further downhill at work. Disobedient kids, noisy kids, kids that gave up, and amongst this chaos, kids who were actually genuine and wanted so much to learn. Trying desperately to find that balance of teaching effectively and managing the more difficult classes proved to be a huge challenge and I failed not once, but twice. Trying to control the students and make them interested in what I had to deliver was far from successful and again and again I wanted to cry and just give everything up. I never, ever want to experience what I experienced again this week, but I know that such difficult situations will present itself once again to me. Still trying to help the various different personalities in any given class, but I am struggling more than I expected to. Is this good? Does this mean I'm being tested and forced to step out of my comfort zone? If so, then my prayers were answered and I am learning to be independent. But then again, the fear at the back of my mind resurfaces again, would I be able to achieve what I intended to, or would everything backfire on me and make me sink further underwater? I need more guidance, but right now I am unable to see it. Am praying, hoping for the best in the coming weeks, I really hope that I can overcome this.

As there were sucky periods of time where I really just wanted to pull all my hair out and wrap myself in a blanket and never come out, there were also gaps in between that made me take steps forward and face reality bravely. I am blessed so much, blessed with lovely colleagues who smile at me in the walkways, colleagues who offer their listening ears to me even though they have a mountain load of work to clear themselves, colleagues who specially saved food for me when I was out for competitions and hadn't eaten anything the whole day, all these small kind gestures make me really encouraged to press on and not be hindered by whatever. Makes me want to be a better person and try that little bit harder to be more like them. I am just starting out but these people are really an inspiration and motivation to me. I can't be more thankful, really.

Initially, I complained because I had to stay back and check on my form class after school as they were decorating their classroom and wanted some sort of guidance. Why couldn't I just go home and catch up on much-needed sleep? I intended to just go for an hour or so and then speed out of school as fast as I could, but in the end, I stayed three hours to talk to some of the kids. And I don't regret my decision at all. I watched them make beautiful pieces of art with just their hands and creative minds, I listened as they shared with me completely random things, even more stupidly random videos, and saw how happy they were when they interacted with one another. Made me feel like I was in secondary school all over again.  Amidst all these, they shared some more serious things on their hearts with me, and I am glad that they trust me enough to have the courage to tell me all this.

"Ms Lee, now you're talking to us not as our teacher, but as our friend, okay?" And my heart swelled with warmth because these kids are so young yet they are so genuine with their words and thoughts. Sometimes, I need to stop being so caught up with all that is happening, take a step back and learn to think like these kids. They see the positive even when rubbish is thrown at them. And that is something that I admire. Thank you to my lovely class kids, I'm really starting to warm up to each and every one of you. My three hours couldn't have been more well-spent, and I just want to remember this Friday chillout session for as long as I can.

Thank You to God for holding my hand and standing by my side even when all I wanted to do was to pity myself and avoid this whole difficult situation. Now I see that it is not the way I should go, and I know You want me to face up to my fears and be brave in my actions. I will try my best, I will get out of this whirlwind, and when I am able to brush all these behind me, I will know that You are the one working a miracle in my life. I have doubted You countless times as a result of my own despair and I am sorry. I see that in even the most horrid situations, You still love me and You have provided a silver lining in every dark cloud that passes by. I cannot say how much I am grateful for that. I will be stronger, and this is not the end.

Counting my blessings, and trying hard.