It was the eve of Valentines day, the
day that was all flowery, full of hearts, roses, pink, couples. She
was walking along orchard road. All around her, there were couples
walking along the streets in pairs, interested in nothing but each
other. Looking at bouquets of flowers affected her a great deal, it
made her venture down the thought path she tried so hard to barricade
up on a daily basis.
A year. It had been a year since she
had lost him. Lost love And since then, what? She hated herself for
wallowing in self pity, for not being able to get the incident off
her mind, for letting it haunt her like a ghost would a guilty
person. Almost every night, she let her mind wander back to the
painful memories. She felt silly, having asked herself a million
times the meaning of bittersweet. Was this what bittersweet felt
like, what had happened to her?
Bittersweet. The word was so familiar
to her. She had used it to describe h er mood everytime she let her
mind wander. Wander to memories of him and her and when she was
happy, but the memories also harmed her by making her close up her
heart to everybody around her. She could not trust the people around
her anymore, she was so scared of having her heart trampled on like
it had once been.
“So glad, you made time to see me,
How’s life, tell me how’s your
family’
The familiar verse droned on. She was
never particularly close to his family, but to him, that was another
different issue. They could be described as inseparable they were
always seen with the other everywhere they went. She felt a sense of
closeness with him that she did not feel with anyone else. It was a
phenomenal thing, within a couple of months, she had grown to trust
him with her soul, her heart. She would have described them as peanut
butter and jelly, such a cliche but so true as well. Peanut butter
and jelly, which she had enjoyed so much when she was a kid. When she
was still at the tender age where little girls dreamed of castles,
princes and happily ever after. She once believed in happily ever
after, being a great fan of Disney movies, but after everything that
had happened, she didn't know what to feel anymore.
‘This is me
Swallowing my pride
Saying I’m sorry for that night’
She was truly sorry, in her heart.
Sorry for all those nights. Many nights that caused her immense
unhappiness and bitterness. Nights where they would quarrel over the
stupidest things. She could remember, one time, they fought over her
ex-crush. Out of pique, he had accused her of still being unable to
forget that boy, and that she should go back to him if he was unable
to provide her with the same level of happiness. Those words had
struck her so hard, she had been devastated. For the first time since
they had been together, she had cried the entire night, her heart
would not stop aching from an unending pang people described as
‘heart-brokenness’. She knew that he had said it out of anger and
he didn't really mean it, but the damage was done. The damage was
already done. It was a matter of trust, and she knew that trust was
something that was greatly lacking in their relationship. From then
on, the quarrels intensified, so many times she felt lost and
confused. So many times he was suspicious, accusing her of things she
had not done. She was tired.
“I miss your texting,
Your sweet smile,
So good to me,
So right”
Then her thoughts would switch to the
happy moments they had shared. Moments that made her smile and go
weak in the knees. She would smile herself silly just by thinking of
those incidents, but they were long gone. She thrived on these
memories, them walking along the reservoir, admiring the birds and
fishes. The sky was a deep aqua blue, and the clouds were hovering
above them like big, fluffy cotton candy. She chased him, jumping
onto his back, and his arms immediately wrapped around her petite
frame. They would laugh, him trying to tickle her, but failing
horribly. Like this, they ended up singing as they walked, him
piggybacking her like she was the lightest weight in the world. Sweet
memories, but now when she thought again, her heart ached so much.
“I go back to December all the time.”
She would remember that fateful
December for as long as she lived. The day he finally had enough, and
called it quits. She was thrown into a deep abyss of confusion for
those few days, and she could still remember the delirium she was in.
Endless questions ran through her mind the whole day, how could he
bear to leave the relationship and her, after all they had been
through? She had felt like she had lost her way after being dumped in
a huge forest, a knife that stabbed into her chest so deeply it left
a scar embedded in her heart that would never be erased. She begged
him to stay, but after everything, he left. He walked away and did
not look back. The few months after that was torturous. She tried to
cope with the breakup, but she found that she was slipping deeper and
deeper. There were days that she would cry bouts of tears for no
reason, and it pained her to see the look of despair on her family
members’ faces as they tried to figure out what was wrong. Would
she go back to December again of she had the chance? Would she change
things that she knew were wrong to start with, and how would she have
changed them? She regretted deeply that they had ignored the
underlying problems in the hope that they would disappear with every
ticking of the clock. But it was too late.
Over a year now, as the familiar song
played on the radio, a man dedicated his love for his sweetheart
somewhere in the country; she hugged her pillow tightly to her chest
and listened to every line of the lyrics. Lines that she used to sing
out of happiness, but now only reminded her of the hurt. Memories
continued to flood back to her at a rate she was overwhelmed by. As
the song came to a close, she closed her eyes, a single tear rolling
down her pinkish cheeks. Tomorrow was going to be a special day
filled with love for many other people, but for her, it was just
another ordinary day she had to gather courage to go through. A day
that she once commemorated with excitement and affection, but now she
had nothing left to give.
More tears flowed out from her eyes,
and she sobbed into her pillow. Time to lock up the feelings back
into the deepest corners of her heart, and throw away the key, for
good.
