How?

Promised myself I would never cry because of you but what am I doing now?

:(

Stop crying stop being a weakling stop putting other peoples' feelings before yours for once.

我想说

I think, you really mean the world to me.

我想说

I think, you really mean the world to me.

o

Until now, I dont know where I stand.

.

我很想更你讲话。最近套多事发生了， 我心里真的不安。我知道你一定会安慰我，但我也不想麻烦你。 所以我会继续静静的承受。很想念你， 你知道吗?

What happened (II) ?

First time in a long time typing a post on a physical computer instead of sitting by the reservoir, using a phone and an app to do so. So different yet so familiar, how I have missed this. Entering into a break, but what sort of break is this when inside and out, I feel emotionally and physically..tired and drained? Past few months have been a blur, its been so fast, yet in some ways it feels like forever has come and gone. Nowadays my brain can only wonder.. wonder and then wonder somemore. Wishing and willing that things could change, that I could change, maybe you could change as well. But then again, my thoughts are no longer safe and I find myself not trusting my own actions more and more. 

In the beginning I thought this could be something. Things felt fine, things felt almost unique actually. I came to familiarize myself with the surroundings, I felt almost happy being tired and exhausted and having things to do, because at the end of the day I could expect something and that something would materialize right before my eyes. I felt encouraged, I felt that things could finally be different for once. Compared to the multiple, multiple times that I was disappointed, that doors were slammed in my face, this one seemed inviting, seemed warm and seemed like everything would be okay once I stepped through. 

Things improved, and then I guess things deproved. Thing stayed distant for a while, and the cycle repeated itself. I found myself wondering once more. What have I gotten myself into? But still, at the end of the day, I know I would be reassured because it was like hoping for something to come, crying that it didn;t, but eventually being surprised and contented once again because that something would still materialize in front of me. I felt emboldened, even. I looked forward and I worked even harder to convince myself that something could finally be true. 

But now I wonder, without hope. I told myself to leave all this behind, but yet I find myself not being able to do so. I make multiple wishes, they are all the same. In my head the words sound different, but essentially they point back towards the fact that I have been feeling a certain way for a long time. And I don't like how this is going but maybe this is for the best. Maybe everyone is just destined to stick to their own little corridors, and corridors that are parallel and familiar don't always cross into each other. Maybe this was wrong all along andi t was just wishful thinking. I dread typing this into words because it means I have to wake up from reality soon, but I try to placate myself because hey its okay, nothing ever really materialized anyway. Its just like waking up from another too-nice dream and moving forward. But I know one thing is for sure, when I dig down inside my heart and my feelings and my emotions, I know that something is still there. I can't say the same for you, maybe it was nothingness all along. But it was a source of strength, motivation and I know it still is. I don't know for how long, but I'm glad just for this fact. Even though I am devastated, I am still glad. I don't make sense, but it seems like I do somehow. 

Sometimes, maybe no structure and no expectations is good. But this time, I had to learn the hard way. Again. Goodbye. 

Changing

I miss you. Or maybe I miss the attention. What changed?