It's been about 3 months since life changed for me. From working an average of 12 hours a day and being exhausted to being put into a school environment, writing essays, doing assignments, adapting to being the student instead of the teacher again. Yet, I find myself getting more tired, more exhausted, more out of energy and everything just seems to be going downhill, downhill, downhill. Yes I have more time, its up to me to use that 24 hours a day however I want. For this short period of a few months, I am not confined to a school timetable, rushing to classes and skipping lunches in the process, being infuriated with my students on some days, being amused and feeling like I would give up anything just to spend some time with them on other days, yet I feel more stifled and suffocated than ever. It's been tough, really tough if I must admit and while I am still readjusting to sleeping at 2am every night, something I haven't done the past one year at all, I often find my mind wondering just how much more of this I can take.
Being plucked from an environment I was just getting settled into and dumped into another fast-paced one, I truthfully don't know how to adapt. Amidst all this chaos and rush, I miss my students. I miss my colleagues and for the most part of the week I miss my home and my bed. Being confined to the west, NTU, NIE and hall has probably taken its toll on me. And its gotten worser the past few weeks. At wits' end I questioned God and why He was doing this to me and why my life was so miserable, and perhaps I felt that pushing everything I once held dear to me was a way in which I could enforce some control over my wildly flailing emotions but I don't know, things don't seem to get better.
Today I went for service but my mind wandered far away throughout worship, as it often does now subconsciously. I remember the church was singing "In Christ Alone"and I felt something I haven't in the last few months. I saw people worshipping without restraint and I asked myself why they could feel so free even though they might have troubles weighing down their souls too? Maybe I was too tired to register but I cannot explain this feeling, except that I know it was a good one. My troubles are not just my own, and I think I have taken that for granted too much. If I can let the things of the world pull me this far away from You, then what does that say about the place You have in my life? Maybe I just haven't been making the effort, maybe I have purposely pushed this away so it would seem my problems, magnified, would be the only important thing, maybe it just felt good to wallow in self-pity and complaint for a while. But in doing this I know I have broken Your heart, because while I asked You to hold my hand and guide me through all of this, I was the one who let go time and again. And I am sorry. I know I will still feel this tiredness, I will still face all these challenges and internal struggles within me as long as I am here, but I need, need to be reminded that I'm here for a purpose. And instead of focusing on myself, I promise to focus on You and Your goodness. Time to look on the bright side no matter how difficult it will be, I will force myself to see the goodness You have embedded in this journey for me. And hopefully, just maybe, things will get better. Thank You for jolting me up from my daydream/nightmare.
What heights of love
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled
When strivings cease
My comforter, my all in all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
