Back to December.

It was the eve of Valentines day, the day that was all flowery, full of hearts, roses, pink, couples. She was walking along orchard road. All around her, there were couples walking along the streets in pairs, interested in nothing but each other. Looking at bouquets of flowers affected her a great deal, it made her venture down the thought path she tried so hard to barricade up on a daily basis.

A year. It had been a year since she had lost him. Lost love And since then, what? She hated herself for wallowing in self pity, for not being able to get the incident off her mind, for letting it haunt her like a ghost would a guilty person. Almost every night, she let her mind wander back to the painful memories. She felt silly, having asked herself a million times the meaning of bittersweet. Was this what bittersweet felt like, what had happened to her?

Bittersweet. The word was so familiar to her. She had used it to describe h er mood everytime she let her mind wander. Wander to memories of him and her and when she was happy, but the memories also harmed her by making her close up her heart to everybody around her. She could not trust the people around her anymore, she was so scared of having her heart trampled on like it had once been.

“So glad, you made time to see me,

How’s life, tell me how’s your family’

The familiar verse droned on. She was never particularly close to his family, but to him, that was another different issue. They could be described as inseparable  they were always seen with the other everywhere they went. She felt a sense of closeness with him that she did not feel with anyone else. It was a phenomenal thing, within a couple of months, she had grown to trust him with her soul, her heart. She would have described them as peanut butter and jelly, such a cliche  but so true as well. Peanut butter and jelly, which she had enjoyed so much when she was a kid. When she was still at the tender age where little girls dreamed of castles, princes and happily ever after. She once believed in happily ever after, being a great fan of Disney movies, but after everything that had happened, she didn't know what to feel anymore.

‘This is me

Swallowing my pride

Saying I’m sorry for that night’

She was truly sorry, in her heart. Sorry for all those nights. Many nights that caused her immense unhappiness and bitterness. Nights where they would quarrel over the stupidest things. She could remember, one time, they fought over her ex-crush. Out of pique, he had accused her of still being unable to forget that boy, and that she should go back to him if he was unable to provide her with the same level of happiness. Those words had struck her so hard, she had been devastated. For the first time since they had been together, she had cried the entire night, her heart would not stop aching from an unending pang people described as ‘heart-brokenness’. She knew that he had said it out of anger and he didn't really mean it, but the damage was done. The damage was already done. It was a matter of trust, and she knew that trust was something that was greatly lacking in their relationship. From then on, the quarrels intensified, so many times she felt lost and confused. So many times he was suspicious, accusing her of things she had not done. She was tired.

“I miss your texting,

Your sweet smile,

So good to me,

So right”

Then her thoughts would switch to the happy moments they had shared. Moments that made her smile and go weak in the knees. She would smile herself silly just by thinking of those incidents, but they were long gone. She thrived on these memories, them walking along the reservoir, admiring the birds and fishes. The sky was a deep aqua blue, and the clouds were hovering above them like big, fluffy cotton candy. She chased him, jumping onto his back, and his arms immediately wrapped around her petite frame. They would laugh, him trying to tickle her, but failing horribly. Like this, they ended up singing as they walked, him piggybacking her like she was the lightest weight in the world. Sweet memories, but now when she thought again, her heart ached so much.

“I go back to December all the time.”

She would remember that fateful December for as long as she lived. The day he finally had enough, and called it quits. She was thrown into a deep abyss of confusion for those few days, and she could still remember the delirium she was in. Endless questions ran through her mind the whole day, how could he bear to leave the relationship and her, after all they had been through? She had felt like she had lost her way after being dumped in a huge forest, a knife that stabbed into her chest so deeply it left a scar embedded in her heart that would never be erased. She begged him to stay, but after everything, he left. He walked away and did not look back. The few months after that was torturous. She tried to cope with the breakup, but she found that she was slipping deeper and deeper. There were days that she would cry bouts of tears for no reason, and it pained her to see the look of despair on her family members’ faces as they tried to figure out what was wrong. Would she go back to December again of she had the chance? Would she change things that she knew were wrong to start with, and how would she have changed them? She regretted deeply that they had ignored the underlying problems in the hope that they would disappear with every ticking of the clock. But it was too late.

Over a year now, as the familiar song played on the radio, a man dedicated his love for his sweetheart somewhere in the country; she hugged her pillow tightly to her chest and listened to every line of the lyrics. Lines that she used to sing out of happiness, but now only reminded her of the hurt. Memories continued to flood back to her at a rate she was overwhelmed by. As the song came to a close, she closed her eyes, a single tear rolling down her pinkish cheeks. Tomorrow was going to be a special day filled with love for many other people, but for her, it was just another ordinary day she had to gather courage to go through. A day that she once commemorated with excitement and affection, but now she had nothing left to give.

More tears flowed out from her eyes, and she sobbed into her pillow. Time to lock up the feelings back into the deepest corners of her heart, and throw away the key, for good.

When We Were Young

Nope, not One Direction's "Live While We're Young", but something along those lines! =P

When we were young

It all seemed so easy

Nothing to be troubled about

Everyday we frolicked

Out in the bright warm sun

When we were young

It was so easy to make friends

I approached you

We said hello

And I thought we would be friends till the end

When we were young, we wouldn’t think twice

Hearing songs we liked

We laughed

Then danced

Nothing could distract us

From having so much fun

When we were young,

We did so many things

It was easy to love

Easy to forgive

But a few years down the road,

Would it still remain like this?

When we were young,

Life was simple

Life was pure.

Nobody had hidden agendas

Now we are grown up, distance has taken a toll on us

Note to young self,

Don’t take for granted, there was so much to be thankful for.

Time can't be rewinded, but there are always the memories we can take out and indulge in once in a while. 

Timepieces

As time passes, do some things start to lose significance to an individual? When I was a child, I remember having this 101 dalmatians stuffed toy that I loved like no tomorrow, I would bring it to meals, bring it out shopping, bring it downstairs when me and my brother went to the playground, and of course, bring it to bed with me at the end of the day. Slowly, from a new soft toy with plush fur, it became reduced to something with matted, blackish fur, and didn’t look as clean and huggable as it used to. But being a kid, I still loved it all the same. I screamed and cried and threw a huge tantrum when we shifted houses and my mother tossed it in the trash, like it was, literally, rubbish. I was angry, but as a kid, I wasn’t angry for long. My mother bought me new stuffed toys, and I was satisfied once again.

But when something you are emotionally attached to, in the case of the stuffed toy, is physically gone, does it mean the memory of it will disappear with time as well? I disagree. Memories fade, yes they do, but they don’t completely disappear. Rather, I believe that good/bad memories seem to be tucked away somewhere in a dusty corner at the back of all our minds. At times when we want to open this door to access certain parts of this enclave, everything starts to pour out as well, and we end up having a hard time shutting them back in. I would call it a periodical routine because it happens quite often.. although it shouldn’t.

The substance that lays behind this door of memories though, is seemingly starting to shrink in expanse, it’s something I can’t explain but something that I definitely feel. I guess going round and round talking about stuffed toys and doors and memories is just to prove a point for myself. Something that holds great meaning for me is fading in terms of its importance in my life. Maybe last time, you were important to me, even to the point of being indispensable. But now, I don’t need you anymore. I’ve managed to beat this stupid monster that has been getting me down all the time for the past half a year, and maybe I’m beginning to show definite signs of recovery.

Even magnets lose their magnetism after a period of time, that’s pretty much the gist of my rambling.

August 24th, 2011.

Change

‘Change is the only constant’. We always hear people say this, but... Really?

I was reading through my old blogs, what attracted and amazed me most were all my password protected posts on Wordpress. I see the me a few years ago. And I look at myself now. Circumstances have changed, people have changed, I have changed. For the better or for worse I don’t really know, maybe it’s a mix of both.

Then again, how can someone/something stay constant all their life? Even water moves doesn’t it? In the form of ripples caused when there are disturbances. There’s been many disturbances in my life, some good some bad. And right where I stand now, I don’t like all this. I’m teaching my primary school kid about adaptations now, but ironically, can humans truly adapt at all? Or do we just push the bad experiences and memories aside, force ourselves to continue with life? Because that’s how it seems for me.

Almost every night the past haunts me. Like a broken record, I’ve said one too many a time. And there’s no way to stop the mental images and that’s what scares me the most. That I have changed, but the past has stayed the same. And will always stay the same. Something to keep you from moving on completely. I spend too much time wanting the past back, trying to find a rewind button to relieve all those feelings again. Then I realise everything’s changed.

Change is the only constant, not so true at all eh.

May 19th, 2011.

Train tracks.

Today I went to JB via railway, the first time I have ever done so. And I must say the journey was, an interesting experience. There’s just something nostalgic and special about seeing a train station, getting into the train, looking outside the windows and seeing train tracks and the scenery. I mean, MRT also can lah, but its just different.

I watched a video on the train to pass time, and it was about how ‘life only has one beginning and one end, and the rest are just a whole lot of middle’ (no prizes for guessing where that quote came from *cough* Glee *cough*).

A journey. From the start till the end, we are on the same train known as life. People come, people go, circumstances change, sometimes the paths are straight, other times they wind left and right, sometimes the destination seems nowhere in sight, sometimes you learn to look from different perspectives, sometimes you feel too rooted and refuse to get out of your comfort zone, sometimes there are sudden jerks which wake us up from certain delusions we might already have.. and the list goes on and on, its never ending.

But does any of it matter? If I were on a real train as of now, I would describe the process being a major roller-coaster ride all this while. It’s gone up, gone down, twisted and turned so many ways I can’t even remember where I actually got on. The end seems far as well, I don't know when this will end, but I know I’m safe. That I wont fall off and die because God has a plan. And it’s definitely not the end even things have been feeling so crappy nowadays. I’m curious to know whats gonna hit next, but I’m apprehensive at the same time. Let’s just say, I’m extra afraid of disappointments and getting hurt, yet I want to know what's in store for me all the same. 

Ironic, I say.

If Only

If hearts were unbreakable,

I would tell you exactly how I feel

You might think I’m a fool for acting this way

But believe it or not, these feelings are definitely real

.

If rejections never hurt,

I think the world would be a much better place

People wouldn’t be afraid to hide their feelings out of fear

They would learn to treasure the ones they hold dear

.

If words didn’t sting,

I would sing a million songs for you

Songs with lyrics filled with what I wanted to express

And hopefully, you would sing them back to me too

.

If only, those two words ring in my mind

The two saddest words in the world

They represent so many regrets of life

If is too strong a word, it is filled with lies

It can cause hearts to flourish with happiness,

It can also cause hearts to break, and die

I wish upon a thousand wishing stars

Stars that fill the night sky

That somehow one day my dream would come true

That I would be able to be with you

.

When shooting stars fly past

People clasp their hands and make a wish

But I hold back the tears

I know my wish, can never be granted

.

As long as we stay friends

I promise I will try to stay happy

I’ll bury those sour feelings deep in my heart

And move on with a smile, no matter how hard

.

I really wish things could go back to what it used to be

When I felt that there was just you and me

Sadly, things just changed as time passed

I really hope the friendship we have, will last

Happened to see some stars in the sky that night, and somehow came up with this off the top of my head again. I used to have a knack for conjuring things up like these last time, but not so sure about now. Getting harder and harder to do so..