Fall.

I believe everyone has regrets and more than once I find myself searching my mind for memories and imagining different scenarios that could have taken place had I done just one thing differently. Tonight somehow feels like it's gonna be such a night, I have so many things running through my mind now it feels pretty insane. The feeling of returning back to innocent childhood seems extremely pleasing to me right now, even more so because it's virtually impossible to do literally. But one can dream, can't she? These few days I think I have been daydreaming (and dreaming, and sleeping) quite a bit, and this mind has wandered more than just a few kilometres ahead. When the future is so uncertain, everything starts to get kinda scary. I guess I just don't know what to expect, but more than that, I know I am afraid to take that step forward, to turn that knob and open the door to the future which I know is already in front of me. Yet I choose to close my eyes because I am scared of knowing what's there. Why? Again and again, these are questions I can't answer. And it's been affecting me quite a bit because I want to be courageous and brave and accept this plan, but such a huge part of me just refuses to do so. Living in the present seems like a safer option and I never want to leave this room I'm currently in because then, I would be exposed to discomfort and all sorts of possibilities. Writing to make everything feel better tonight.

The lightning flashed once, then twice, high above in the evening sky. It reflected in his eyes that were wide with fear. A clap of thunder soon followed, booming loudly against the walls and to the boy, it was like an amplification that was ten times as loud. His hands flew to cover his tiny ears, jumping slightly when another flash of light lit up the room. What had he done? Earlier this evening, the two year old was playing in the room happily, his father by his side fiddling with some toy truck that he had left on the floor. The phone in the hall rang, and Daddy left to answer it, promising that he would be right back with a cup of warm milk for him. With that, he opened the door and was out of the room in seconds. Curiously, the boy toddled over to the door, reaching for the door knob that was unfortunately too high for him to grasp. He then proceeded to push the door with all his strength, and soon he heard a loud bang, the door closing shut tightly behind him. The boy was confused, surely the door would open by itself and Daddy would come in with his milk? He crawled back to the spot he was in previously, sat down and clutched the stuffed bear at his feet. 

He waited. 

And waited. 

And waited some more. 

Ten minutes had passed, yet there was no sign of any movement in the hallway. He started to get scared, why wasn't Daddy coming for him? Rain started to patter against the window, falling rapidly and painting wild patterns on the window panes, lightning again flashing every few seconds. The boy was terrified now, he hated the sound of thunder and he hated the darkness outside. Tears came to his eyes as he frantically wished for anyone to come rescue him. Another five minutes passed, yet there was nothing. 

The boy climbed onto his bed and quickly got under the covers, snuggling with all his soft toys and diving under the blanket. He sobbed for a while, willing the rain to stop and the sun to come out, but the rain continued to fall outside. After a while, he fell into a deep sleep, his heart still beating loudly against his chest. 

He wouldn't leave the bed, he thought, not until the sun came out, because this was the only place he felt safe in. Yet, he knew it was only temporary. 

Soon.

I've been missing for quite some time, but I will be back really soon. Many (mundane) things have happened, many emotions felt, many interactions with people around me, many firsts and many lasts, many memories to store into my brain, many assignments to do, many late nights I foresee and a whole lot of many mores.

But most importantly, thank God for many reasons to give thanks and feel blessed. I am fortunate, so much more than a large fraction of the world and for this alone I am grateful.

Living in the moment, trying not to wait till its too late and everything is over. Let's go!

And once again

Another reminder to treasure what I have and what is existing before it is gone. 

Loss is a funny thing, at first you feel like nothing has changed. Everything progresses on as how it normally would. You look outside your window and you realize the Sun's rays warming your face just like every other morning. But maybe, just maybe, the seconds tick by just that little bit slower today, the air seems more still than usual, and you find yourself dragging your feet a little bit longer. And when you have nothing to do for that 45 minutes commuting to wherever you're supposed to be at, your mind wanders. Far back to the first time you had a connection with the object of your loss. Then it hurtles back and forth as you recall bits and pieces of time spent together, even though it may not have been much. You realize you aren't even trying, the memories just come back to you like a wave hitting a shore. It recedes, then it hits again, and you can't help but wonder why the feeling seems fresh every single time. Then this slight bitterness just bubbles up inside your heart, and sadness comes to fill in the gaps. You want to reconnect with it again, but reality hits you just then. It's not there anymore, it's not going to come back anymore. And you cannot accept the reality because how do you adjust to something that's been there for such a long time? I have so many thoughts of 'if onlys' swimming around in my head, but what can I do now that you're gone? 

My dear Piggy, I know I didn't have a close bond with you, and I didn't get to see you for the last time before you drew your last breath. I know you were in pain all this time, and honestly, I wished more than once that something could take away, or even just reduce your pain by a fraction of what it was. Nevertheless, I remember fondly how you would leap up to the front of the cage to greet me and eagerly await the food I will feed you no matter how painful it was to move around. I saw you birth your children, I saw you grow from a tiny guinea pig to an old one, and I saw the shine in your eyes every morning as you sniffed my fingers and responded to my calls. I'm sorry I never spent more time with you, that I never took you out to play or just spent that few more minutes standing by your cage talking to you. I know you could hear me. When I came home today and saw that the place where your cage used to be is now empty, my heart sank, really. I regret that I couldn't give you a proper burial. It calms my heart to know that you're definitely in a better place now. You don't have to suffer anymore, you won't have trouble breathing anymore, you can run without feeling any pain in your feet. And for that I am really really glad. But I know that I miss you already, even though it's barely been a day. I wait until now to cry, because I don't have the guts to cry in front of others. People may say you're just a guinea pig, just a small animal that's not worth crying over, but I beg to differ. Afterall, you were my pet as much as the family pet, and I will always remember you. 

Rest in peace, 
27th February 2014. 
Sending lots of love, carrots, cabbages, grapes and strawberries to wherever you are. Loving you. 

In the night, I hear them talk.

Been in a procrastinating mood recently, so I decided to log on here and do those short quizzes I loved to do when I was younger. Haha since CNY came and gone I have been so unmotivated to study and get my never-ending work done, so I might as well. Other than that, I guess 2014 has been pretty good to me so far, and I'm glad I'm doing fine in all the various areas of life. 

Gonna do this for fun, if you're bored like me, copy the stuff below, paste it into your browser and then start doing too hehe =P

Since the start of 2013, I've: 

Cross off what you’ve done

Gotten a new piercing.
Dyed my hair.
Ended a relationship.
Started a new relationship.
Been on a long car/bus journey
Passed an exam.
Met someone who’s now an important part of my life.
Cried on someone’s shoulder.
Had a massive fight with a boy/girl .
Received flowers.
Had a Valentine.
Written a letter using pen & paper.
Gone to see a therapist
Been prescribed medication by a doctor.
Read a really good book.
Gone to the zoo.
Spent too much money on unnecessary things.
Traveled by train.
Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan
Slammed a door out of frustration.
Had an anxiety attack.
Babysat for a friend’s child.
Had a BBQ
Gone to the fair.
Gone bowling.
Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.
Gone on a date 
Been the only sober one on a night out.
Helped someone home after they had been drinking.
Stayed up all night.
Talked on the phone for over two hours.
Supported someone who’d received bad news.
Watched some kind of live sporting event.
Read an entire book in one day.
Bought a DVD the day it was released.
Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week. 
Cried as a result of exam stress.
Met some incredible new people.
Gone to great parties.
Fallen backwards off a chair.
Broken my glasses.
Worn a watch for the first time in years.
Cried over someone in my past.
Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.
Thrown up.
Cried over a film.
Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-boy/girlfriend.
Fought with someone in public.
Been in a relationship for a year or longer. 
Cried in front of someone I adore.
Lost one of my closest friends.

While doing this, I looked back at 2013 and I see how much I have gone through (the good and also including the bad) and I think I can really say I was happy overall with the way the year played out, even though there were so many emotional, wanna-tear-all-my-hair-out times and a fair share of disappointments and angsty moments, I am still thankful and glad, and through everything I see how I have been blessed, more than I could ever have. 

Time to lock all those memories in a chest, turn the key and throw it away. Memories are best kept as memories and nothing more, no? 

Goodnight guys! Thanks for still sticking by here! :D

Within.

Hello guys! School has started, and since this is my last semester, I have been trying to enjoy the last time I can be a university student (or any formal student for that matter) and so far, I have been doing that! Constantly wondering how much of all this elements of school life I will miss when I finally leave, and deep down in my heart, I know that I will, a whole lot and then some more. It's been hectic so far, despite it only being Week 2, but God is good to me and I have been allocated all the modules that I wanted (and needed) and almost all the tutorial slots I balloted for. Thank You for that :D

Today, I had dinner with a friend in school, and by the time I took the train and bus and walked home, it was already nightfall. I reached the elevator of my block, and I noticed an elderly woman and her domestic helper walking towards the same direction as me. The old lady was hobbling and walking really slowly, the maid walked beside her and supported her with one arm. I pressed the lift button, and waited for the lift to come down 9 storeys. I was really tired and just wanted nothing to do more than to step inside my house and embrace my bed. It took some time for the duo to reach the lift, and then the old woman took a bit more time to hobble inside the lift with the assistance of her helper. She looked really glum and uncaring to her surroundings, so the first thought that came to my mind was what a sullen, fierce looking person she must be.

How wrong I was, because while we were halfway up in the lift, she happened to turn towards me, and I caught a glance in her way as well, and her frowning face changed immediately into a jovial one. I smiled back at her out of courtesy. When the lift arrived at my floor, I looked at her again, and she smiled a second time, even wider and happier-looking than the first one. I bade her goodbye and walked out, the lift doors closing behind me. Frankly, I was really surprised at how the human expression can change so fast. I don't personally know this old lady, all I know now is that she stays on one of the floors above my house, and even that I am not entirely sure. However, when she smiled at me, a cuddly warmth filled my heart because she looked so appreciative that I held the lift door open for her. When people say a picture paints a thousand words, it is true, but I guess that means that a smile paints ten thousand then? And smiles go a long way too (: It is definitely difficult to explain, but all the urgency to get home vanished in just that instant, replaced by a certain contentedness that I don't usually feel. Thank you to this old lady that brightened up my lethargic Monday with your warmth and happiness. I hope to bump into you again.

And also a side note to self, don't judge a book by its cover, don't judge people based on physical appearances and first impressions. Have a great week ahead all! :D

Belated New Year

Here's my promised New Year post! Haha actually wrote out a long long chunk of words, but in the end, I decided to delete it and just post a short one for all of you to read. Shouldn't be too long-winded in the start of a brand new year right? I hope 2013 was a really good and meaningful year for all of you out there!

Written on 3rd January 2014, 
Reflections. 

2013 was a year of ups and downs for me, there were happy moments and sad moments, there were ridiculous moments and just a lot of in between nua-ing moments doing absolutely nothing and pondering on life. What I found different was how 2013 seemed to pass by so quickly. Everything just seemed to happen one after the other and in the libnk of an eye, I was counting down to a new year, in the place I was so familiar with and in the company of my loved ones. That being said, I feel last year was really a period of growth for me, in so many areas and I really learn to thank God for the situations He put me in.

At the beginning of 2013, everyone was busy making resolutions, except me. I figured that since I never fulfilled my resolutions anyway, I would just welcome the year without any sort of goal setting whatsoever. Then, a few days into 2013, I stumbled upon an image:

And I found it pretty cool and made a decision to follow through it. I know it is probably even more challenging than making resolutions, but I am so pleased to say that I have done it! 365 days, several hundred slips of colorful paper, and a physical record of the happy moments that happened every single day. It was really tough some days, I felt so tired but now I look back and I'm glad I have something that embodies the year in words so well. 

Throughout the year, thoughts regarding my future emerged time and again. I have mentioned before that I am someone who really fears uncertainty, and every time someone questions me about my immediate plans after graduation, I am at a loss for words. In the event that I will most probably be graduating in 6 months time, this question has been magnified a thousand times. Honestly, I am still unclear about what is in store for me, be it in terms of a career, in terms of relationships and friendships, and also fulfilling life goals in general, but I have to admit that I am scared, but at the same time, I am really anticipating what is to come. I was talking to God one night, and He revealed to me that 2014 is going to be a year in which great things will happen. A really close friend shared with me the same revelation a few days before 2013 ended, and hence, I will really throw in 100% effort to trust God for the future.

Of course, I want to thank all the people in my life for walking through 2013 with me. As I grow old(er), I know that my emotions have become much more unpredictable and there were so many times I just didn't feel in the mood to talk, but you guys still stuck by me. For this sole reason (and countless more), I am greatly appreciative from the bottom of my heart.  

I will remember everything I have done last year, be it minor things, major life decisions, every tear cried and every smile. From weekly Masterchef and Junior Masterchef nights (Thank you Rachel for squealing with me over cute contestants ^^) to relaxing more than I ever intended to during the December break (Watching Bang Bang Tang oldschool videos on replay from day till night), falling helplessly in love with a country and having such a strong desire to return for the first time (I will be back for you, Taiwan) to all the cafe, restaurant, kopitiam and gelato dates with my dear friends and family, to watching a fair number of musicals with le best friend (Thank you Vanessa, I hope we continue watching musicals together well until we are really old), to staying back in school every single night nearing the examination period (A first for me, never desired to work so hard in the area of academics before), to countless bus rides and walks home alone late at night (Which I will always, always treasure because I know that I could never get those days back again). I have experienced so much love and care in 2013, I would not trade the world for any experience I have gone through.

Once again, thank you 2013 for the memories. 

That being said, may 2014 be a jolly good year for all of us! 

A new year, A new start

Happy New Year everybody! 

I initially planned to do a reflection of 2013 on New Year's Day itself, but I fell sick, and spent NY's Day sleeping haha. Reflection post will come up sometime during this week, after I gather my thoughts and pen them down. 

Last night was Chosen Gen's Vision Night 2014, and it was a good way to start the year and get priorities back on track for me. In 2014, I strive to make Jesus Lord of my life. Not just in a particular area, but in ALL areas. Admittingly, it is difficult for me to commit all aspects of my life to God, because I am someone who likes to see immediate results according to my own plan. This year, I will take a step back and listen earnestly to what God wants for my life, no matter how challenging it might be. 

I have always been afraid of uncertainty. It's an indescribable fear which I'm sure has troubled countless other people as well. I know that 2014 is going to be an uncertain and unpredictable year, because of current circumstances that I'm facing. However, I also know that 2014 is going to be an unforgettable year because amazing things are going to happen. And because of that, I know that whatever happens, God is in control and He is at work. Turning uncertainty into assurance is more than a scary thing, but with the Father by my side, I will trust that everything turns out fine. 

Dear Jesus, please be Lord of my life this 2014.